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TOP 10 IRRITATING MALE HABITS
by Natalia Julie
We go to the pet store to gawk through the windows. There are a variety of these really adorable fucking dogs that we fantasize about bringing home to cuddle with. Then when it comes to shacking up with our new furry significant other, it's time to domesticate them.
Wait! The boyfriend or the dog? Maybe it's guy's way of silently protesting their captivity, or maybe it's just the way their genetically programmed. Do we beat them with a newspaper?
Whatever the reason, they have many ways of irritating the ones they love most.
10. The Bathroom.
At least it's nice to see you've brushed your goddamn teeth. That little glob of dried toothpaste left in the sink is just one of the many presents left for us during the day. "I've been here and I'm plaque-free." The towels go on the rack, the floor is SUPPOSED to be dry, I'm not supposed to smell your aftershave 3 hours after you leave and the seat goes down. There is nothing fun about falling into a toilet bowl.
9. "Oh, it's empty?"
I'm beginning to think men will go to superhuman strengths to avoid having to fill up the trash. Why? To avoid having to take it out. How? Leaving empty containers. I used to have a boyfriend leave one square of toilet paper left for me. One fucking square. Am I supposed to pat myself dry with that or what? And God forbid if they have to buy a replacement.
8. Attack Of Man Hair.
I realize shaving is probably a miserable way to start the day, but what makes it even more miserable is the aftermath. I'm guessing this -- they fill the sink, they shave, they drain, they leave. The smallest, micro-mini shaving hairs are left, glued all over the sink, showing us what a grown man he is. Are they celebrating the victory in the battle against unwanted follicles? And is that pubic hair in my bar of soap?
7. Leave the Clippings For A Scrapbook.
Congrats, on grooming. Nothing is more disgusting than sitting on the floor and finding a two inch toe nail between my fingers. I can't even write about this, it makes me want to fucking gag.
6. Pee On the Seat.
Do men get excited? Do they go fucking hog wild and toss that thing around while they urinate? I don't care if you pee on the mirror, just clean up.
5. Laundry.
I've seen it all. I've seen a guy wear his boxers for a week straight. I've seen a guy buy socks before he'd even do his laundry. I've seen a guy go through his laundry, just to smell which shirts were clean enough. Not only is it faster to treat the floor like a giant laundry basket, but they can amuse themselves for hours as they dodge and trip their fallen clothes while moving from room to room.
4. Housework As a Second Language.
When it comes to housework, they'll help out a little. They'll lift up a foot, a hand, maybe even a finger or two. As the dishes pile up, the carpets stain and junk starts to become your new decor, you get to have the experience of what it's like to have a teenage son.
3. Burp & Fart.
A man is literally, full of fucking hot air. There's nothing more unattractive than a "Dutch Oven" under the sheets or burping your "ABC's." Ironically, they think we should be flattered that we're comfortable enough around them to risk sharting ourselves. At the end of the day, isn't that what love is all about?
2. Martyr Complex.
When we get sick, we take medicine. When men get sick, they go into a fucking Shakespearian death throe. They collapse wherever is convenient, they mutter, moan and groan until they scare off every living creature possible. Their fevers are burning like the pits of hell, their arms are falling off and they are dying a slow painful death. And don't ever ask them to go see a damn doctor. Apparently, men don't go to doctors.
1. Channel Surfing.
Damn your remote control. Endless channels of renovation shows, sports, cars, machines, cheesy guy humor, half naked girls and awful TV shows at lightning-fast speeds that will eventually give us fucking epileptic seizures.
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