Talking to GodsGirls #9: LIVIA
by Farhaad

This is Livia. She's one of the purgatory girls! One of the ones I voted yes on. After going over this interview, I should have voted no. She didn't list any rap artists in her application, and SHE DIDNT EVEN TRANSLATE THE RAP LYRICS IN THIS INTERVIEW. I AM SO PISSED. She tried to throw a curve ball at me. Damn her. Read this shit, yo. It's fiyahhhhh!

Farhaad: What your name be, where you stay, how you livin'?

Livia: Seriously, this question sucks. I hoped you would take it out, but you just hate me that much don’t you?

F: These American gals are gonna be mad yo. I keep interviewing you Canucks. What's that all aboot? (HA!)

Livia: They can suck it up, they’ll have a taste of how Canada feels. Oh, and I don’t say aboot, I just don’t say ABAUWWWTTT, God.

F: Livia. You're one of the purgatory gals. Were you nervous going into that shit? I'd be scared like a mothefucker. Cornballs like Miller, Trevordbs, and Mr_Zero (who get no play from the opposite sex) got to vote on your destiny. AIN'T THAT SOME SHIT?!

Livia: Honestly, it was just sort of whatever. I didn’t have a membership and didn’t really know what the whole deal was. I wasn’t expecting much from the process so when I found out that I made it in I was pretty stoked. It’s funny because those dorks had nothin’ nice to say ‘bout me, I bet they’re sorry now!

F: So..modeling. How long have you been in that game? I saw a picture of you naked in the snow (hot stuff). Do your parents know what you're up to?

Livia: Well, I got asked to model for a friend of mine who was putting together a fashion design portfolio. My first shoot was about a year and a half ago, I really enjoyed it, enjoyed the pictures, and got positive feedback. I started getting more into it, doing local TFP shoots through modelmayhem.com and the rest is history I suppose. My mom is pretty supportive, I actually just sat down with her and showed her the site a few days ago, she is not necessarily thrilled, but she is happy if it makes me happy. I attempted modeling nude for the art college here, but it really sucked sitting completely still in ridiculous poses in front of 15 art school kids for 3 hours, and the pay was terrible. Funny story, the first (and only time) I modeled, one of the students came up to me after class and asked me on a date! Seriously, who the fuck does that?! “Hi, I just saw your goodies, wanna go for coffee?” ick.

F: Livia... I think you have a fivehead. Am I right, or what? I WANT TO SEE IT. Show me. Prove me right or wrong.

Livia: Fuck yeah! ‘nuff said.

F: Did you watch Miss Universe? They gave the title to an Oriental. I mean..an Asian. I guess that's what you call them now. Has Canada ever won? PROBABLY NOT.
 
Livia: I didn’t watch it, some years I catch pieces but for the most part I am too ADD. I think Canada came close a few years ago, but not quite. I just looked it up, we have never won, not even like, Miss Congeniality. We suck.

F: Ahhh, Annaliese. She's grand. She once taught me an important lesson. That lesson was "If hustlin' is a must, be Sosa, not Tony." It paid off. You haven't had a moment with Annaliese yet..hmm. So I guess this question doesn't work? I don't know. Make some shit up.

Livia: Annaliese totally rules. I haven’t had a moment with her really, but we have shared some magical private chat moments, I showed her my vagina and she told me I was awesome. I want her AIM so I can have more luscious chat moments with her and tantalize her with my boobies.

F: Oooh! Who is your favorite Godsgirl? Don't give me no cop out bullshit answer. I have a favorite. She's crazy. She doesn't tie her shoe laces, and she passes out after two wine coolers. She's funny. Anyway, answer the fucking question.

Livia: Ummm, seriously I don’t do favourites. I can give you a top 5, that’s my final offer.
In no order: Swindle, Julene, AJ, Chelsea, and Marley. Fuck fuck fuck, there are more that are missing! Top 10? Please?

F: Have you seen Death Wish 3? I don't want to spoil it for you, but the end is incredible. It involves: Protagonist, Antagonist, Bazooka, and someone getting shot in the face with that bazooka. You should rent it. What's your favorite dessert?

Livia: I like the Gobi. I haven’t seen Death Wish, let alone Death Wish 3, but I like bazookas so I might check it out.

F: How am I doing? I'm totally self conscious about this shit. Everyone's gonna be reading this, and criticizing it. It's ruining my life. e-hold my hand, plz?

Livia: God, 10 questions in and you’re already getting fresh with me.

F: Corny question that cornball dudes like Mike Wallace ask: How has Godsgirls.com changed your life? *Serious look*

Livia: Ok, so if this was some cheesy prime time special, I would sit back in my chair, scrunch up my eyebrows in a thoughtful manner, exhale loudly, and take a sip of water from the glass beside me. I would clear my throat, and then lean forward, as if sharing something extremely personal. I then would say something that everyone thought was extremely moving, witty, and intelligent. But really, I get to touch boobies.

F: Ha, You have to translate this rap lyric into english. Go!

Render unto Geedorah what is Geedorah's
Tend to when he seizure through a beaker and a tweezers
Read the fine print and be like, "What's the big deal?"
Spun wheels-of-steel since broke wheel Big Wheel
Back when it was greasy S-curl, now it's easy dread
Had a rhyme on how they used to tease him 'bout his peasy head
Yes-yes-y'all to the beat, have a ball or Avacore
Have it your way, grab a straw, Jabberjaw
Since two tone Lee's, these new phonies is boney hoes
Lonely like cheese and bologna only
-King Geedorah.

Livia: You made this really hard, even urbandictionary.com couldn’t help me. Eff that noise. How about you translate these indie lyrics for me, jerk.

Barbwire Stapled In My Bleeding Mouth
Locked In A Cage
Naked Animals Beat Me
A Liberator Knocks
An Untamed Inserts New Batteries
And Charges Once Again
We Set Off
Into The Unknown
Until We Destroy Everything And Are Dominant
Once Again
Once Again In The Back Where We Ride
The Barbwire Returns
In My Mouth, Ripping Up An Old Healed Wound
My Soul Has Grown Rusty
The Electricity Is Gone
I want to cut
And slice myself to death,
But daren't risk it.
Instead I turn myself off,
Alone again.
-Sigur Ros

F: Translation: "We're a bunch of pussies." -Sigur Ros.

F: So that's it! Did you have fun? How did I do? Shout outs? Fuck yous? Let em know, kiiiiiiiiiiid!

Livia: I was hoping for a little more, but you know, you’re a busy guy. I have a shout out to everyone who wants to see my bumhole, and all the boobies I have touched, am touching, and will touch in the future.