vwninja

Why is it that if something is bad for me, I can not get enough of if? Whether it is food, drugs, or booze, if it makes you feel good but effects you in an adverse way, I will consume all of it. This even goes on with my relationships. I have this ex-girlfriend. Lets call her Glauren. Glauren and i have been off-and-on for about 4 years. Our relationship has been more "off" than "on" over the course of those for years. We wont speak to each other for months, then out of nowhere i get an e-mail. Or a text. Or a drunk 4 a.m. phone call. For some odd reason, i cant resist. Much like when I see a cold beer or fried food, I seem to go on an "auto-pilot" of sorts. I tell myself stay away, it is going to hurt. Do not be a dumbass and fall for it again. Every time, without fail, I get wrapped up in her. I broke up with Glauren because i felt she was Insane. A few months later, i finally felt relieved. She stopped calling and the gaps between contact got very large. I was happy to have her out of my life. About a year later, however, I found myself thinking about her constantly. Oddly enough, she contacted me about a month or so later. I was excited, things were all fresh and new. I felt both of us changed for the better and things would be different. Not even close. Right back to before was where I landed up. A similar routine has happened over the course of the past year or so. Question is: Why do I keep doing this to myself. Much like a sit-com re-run I have seen several hundred times, I know the outcome. I am sure I am not the only one with this kind of self-destructive behavior, I see it all the time. I must like pain. Or god hates me. Or both. I just want to get my life out of fucking syndication.

As i sit here a few short hours before my birthday i can't help but freak out a little. I'm going to be 29. That means next year, I will be 30. What the fuck happend? I swear to god last week i was 23! This stuff has to stop. I don't want to be 30. It's really weird when you go to shows and you are one of the oldest people there. When i go to local bars (i live in a college town) and the women don't want to have anything to do with me because i'm too "old". It's not a total drag, i have a rad job, cool ass roommates and the best friends ever, and i somehow managed to not get married. Which is a good thing, as some of my married friends are already divorced. I am not sure where i am going with this, outside of having a little pitty party for myself, but i do feel a little better.