umbrellen's journals

I've been worrying night and day over how I'm going to confront my ex with this whole situation. To the point of almost being physically ill, seriously. And, tonight, it just kind of happened. He texted me.

And I told him this:

"I read the newspaper article about your arrest. I know how old she was. I know what you did. You lied to me and that really hurts. I cannot be involved with something like this. I wish you the best of luck, but I don't want to talk to you anymore."

He's been texting me since and I've been reading them, but I'm not going to respond. I don't have to explain myself to him. I'm not going to feel guilty over this. I just fucking refuse.

It's a grieving process, really, like I'm attending a funeral. We shared so much in such a short amount of time, and I will miss it dearly. But it's for the best.

I feel btter. vindicated, almost.

How about that epic Rick Roll during the Macy's parade.

FTW. Seriously.

So it's come to my attention that my ex boyfriend is a lying son of a bitch. And I was stupid enough to believe whatever he said.

He got arrested not too long ago. He told me that he had kissed a seventeen year old girl and her family or whatever didn't like it and had him arrested. It was kind of suspicious, seeing as seventeen is the age of consent here, but whatever. A couple nights ago, he tells me they took his computer/phone/ipod/camera. Which seems really extreme for kissing a girl of legal age....

So I do some web-snooping and find this:

http://www.uticaod.com/news/x455210915/New-Hartford-man-accused-of-asking-teen-to-video-sex-act

I cannot even begin to describe how stupid and used I feel right now. And, considering there are pictures of me topless on his cellphone that police are looking at, I'm feeling really embarrassed and violated.


Jesus Christ.

No more girlfriend for me.


I'm not sad, don't worry people.


Girls are great and all, but I can't handle negative energy right now.

So the past few weeks have been absolutely insane. There's so much to say, but I really am a bit too tired to tell it all. So here's the short story.

There's this girl at work named Kate. And she's so kick ass. She's funny, smart, and god damned adorable. We had a lot of similar interests and the same fucked sense of humor and we clicked right away. Best fucking friends right away. And even thought I've never really been into girls, there's something about her that just draws me in.  We started having these things I called 'Kate Dates'. We'd go to a movie or shopping or some shit. Girl stuff.

Last weekend, we went to her friend's house for a bonfire and we cuddled and all that cute shit you hear about. And we held hands at the haunted house the next day. And at the movie the day after that.

And, well. Halloween night, we kissed. And it felt fucking amazing.


Ellen has a girlfriend. Who would've fucking thought?

LMAO k funny work story.

I was on the floor alone, unwrapping and folding new clothes when a customer showed up at the register. They told me they'd called and had some stuff held and I went to go find it for them where we usually keep our holds and transfers. So, I'm bending down to grab it and then my head's hurting and like, the room is kind of fuzzy for a moment.

I had no idea what had happened until the guy walked over to me and pushed away the folding cart. There's this metal bar that we hang the clothing on and apparently I smacked my head on it.

So, yeah. I ring him out and go out back to check it out and get some ice. And it's fucking HUGE. Big ass welt, redder than a lobster, puffy and ew. I tell Lori what happened and she fucking burst out laughing.

This isn't the first time I've hit my head and it probably won't be the last.

So we sat, iced my head, filled out an accident report and laughed until we were crying.

I now have a beautiful mark on my forehead in the shape of the bar's end. Glorious. It feels like it's going to bruise. If it does, I'll take some bitchin' pics.

Today in my Perspectives of Alcohol class, we had a panel discussion. Three people in recovery came and shared their stories. It wasn't the 'boo hoo, pity me' sob fest that I expected, which is awesome. I really enjoyed listening to them all. But I've started to worry that maybe Chemical Dependency Counseling isn't for me.

I know it's the right path for me and it's a career I'd love to do. But I have a really hard time with the twelve-step program. And by 'hard time', I mean I don't buy it one bit. I'm not saying it's wrong and that it should be abolished. If it works for you, that's awesome. But sometimes I feel like it's taking the responsibility away from the addict.

Step number one says that, in order to recover from addiction, you have to admit that you are powerless over it. I'm sorry, but I think that's a load of bunk. If you have reached the spot where you no longer need to drink/drug/self-harm/whatever to go about your day, than you have overpowered it. Yes, you may still think about it, may even feel tempted. But if you can successfully avoid the temptation and not fucking do it, the addiction is powerless over you. Not the other way around.

I also have a huge issue with the whole need for a "higher power" to restore your sanity. I'm not just saying this because I'm agnostic, either. Fuck, I sometimes envy those who have that unquestionable faith. But the twelve steps are pretty much saying that if you pray, things will get better. Well, I hate to say it, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes a prayer can only do so much. And what happens if the person relapses somewhere down the line? Do you know who they're going to blame? "God". They didn't answer that person's prayers and caused them to give in to their temptation. And that bothers me. Pray if you want, but you have to take responsibility for your actions.

I whole-heatedly believe that recovery is possible without the twelve steps. And when I'm running my own clinic someday, meetings are going to be optional for me. Go if you want, but I'm not going to force you. If you honestly think that you can beat your demons on your own, I support you one hundred percent. And if the steps are working for you, have at it. Like I said, I'm not saying they're wrong, they just don't work for me.

Those are my brothers. They are pretty epic.

     

Kyle Broflovski

Y/Y?!

Last Thursday, I hurt my shoulder using bolt cutters. Totally stupid of me, but it happens. Monday, I went to the doctor's office and got x-rays and made an appointment with an orthopedic to check out the results. I go back today and the doctor said that my shoulder was fine, the movement was all good. Makes sense, cause my shoulder doesn't hurt as bad anymore. So, he asks me if there is anything else he wanted me to check out.

About three weeks ago, I came home from working at the gas station and noticed my neck was stiff. I reached up and felt this really hard lump. It didn't hurt, just felt stiff.

He checks out my neck, presses against the spot I was talking about and his eyes get really wide. And then he gets all worry faced and was like "This bothers me, I want x-rays. Now."

Way to freak me out, doc.

So we get the x-rays done and bring the shots back to him and he goes out into the hallway to check them out. And all I hear is this "Oh my God!" Total shock and disgust and awe at the same time.

Now I'm really freaking out.

He pulls me out into the hallway and points to the picture and Jesus fucking Christ...

I have an extra rib. A cervical rib, to be precise. He explained it all to me, told me the details.

It's a rib that grows from the seventh vertebrae and he said about 1 in 500 (the website says 200) people will be born with it. Like, less than 1% of the population. So crazy! He was so surprised with how healthy I was. Because of the mutated DNA, I guess people with a cervical rib are more likely to develop childhood cancers. And all I've ever had done was a have a couple birthmarks removed. Just to be safe.

Right now, he doesn't want to do anything about it, because it isn't causing me any pain. However, a cervical rib can cause nerve and artery damage, so I will probably have it removed within the next five to ten years.

I am a fucking freak of nature. How cool is that?!

More info:http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=2684