tyvo454's journals

If you've never been in love, it's useless to describe. If you're not a hopeless romantic who knows what it's like to have a hair trigger on your affections, this will probably be impossible to relate to. I can't help but characterize things in the context of natural selection, and thus I do have to say you could easily call it a misfiring emotional impulse, a vestige of a temperament developed in the pleistocene era. That's undeniably true. And these days when mainstream society has begun to rely more and more on science as a way of knowing ourselves -- or the way of knowing ourselves-- it's easy for these subjective, these "human" matters to be shunned in a way ... after all, they're something without any sort of measurable credibility.
But maybe that's the crux of postmodern malaise? These things that more and more are relegated to the twilight of our consciousness are nonetheless very raw and primal guiding forces. They can't be completely ignored, but at the same time, there's no authority to provide us with guidance when it comes to how to really handle it. Sure, there's religion, and other new-agey things, and it's not like I've really studied those things at all ... but they do strike me as pretty naive. To take in the somewhat corny assurances and mantras of those sorts of things is more a band-aid than anything else. And there's a lot to be said about that ...
But that's not something a hardline atheist skeptic like myself could ever have a taste for at all. Only hard pragmatism satisfies my senses ... and that's very hard indeed to come by.

But ... so with limited self-knowledge, and a need to cope as wisely as possible, what can we do? We can choose to take on a system of values that attempts to minimize the friction between the emotional and rational ... and to me that means respecting our capacity for love and devotion as the two-edged instrument it certainly is. It means seeing it as a gift to be used very carefully versus a volatile, and sometimes seemingly senselessly masochistic dead weight. It means choosing to value it as a delicate, and ultimate, touchstone of social reality. It means acknowledging it's decisive power to define how connected we really are, and that how we feel really is how we are ... no matter how intangible that may be.
And all that means developing the attitude that you're really too good to put yourself into careless hands ... that you're the gifted one, you're the exceptional one ... rather than the the silly and fragile one (a cop-out all too easy to fall into without some good perspective).

This sounds all very removed and dispassionate ... and I do have a rather pedantic corner of my head I can recede to and work these sorts of things out. Maybe I should pull a Bill Hicks and say "Don't worry ... dick jokes are on the way ..."

So ... I do see a lot of ladies out there with the hopeless romantic bug in a big way ... and it amazes me how undervalued they are by society at large. Pardon the cheesy analogy, but they're truly diamonds in the rough, where the public is too ignorant to even know to value diamonds as top currency. So, there.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

So yeah, explaining what I think is my synesthesia a little more ... I'm rather not good with color at all, really. Certain things to me evoke like certain textures and shapes, like even letters and spoken phonemes, I think that qualifies as some form of synesthesia. So, it's kind of abstract art that's based on the textures and whatnot that I perceive. Not really much more to it.
I think I have some idea of what artists like David Lynch say when they talk about this sort of thing.

So ... anyway, enough of that. Current backstory is that I've been out sick from work for several weeks, getting over inner-ear vertigo ... and what started out as relaxing time off has turned into rather listless ennui. My immediate family and brothers are off in Ohio for a cousin's wedding, and my roommate is off in Vegas. So I've basically got plenty of time to kill ... to contemplate this synesthesia thing too much and ... whatever other healthy habits I can establish.

Saw Quantum of Solace the other day. Or, I should say the first part of it. Pretty ridiculous movie, actually. As much as I've liked Daniel Craig in other movies, like Layer Cake, this whole sort of Jason-Bourne-meets-cheesy-elements-of-old-bond-movies just doesn't do it for me. Sorry ... but if it were made with a tounge somewhat more balanced in cheek, it'd have been a lot easier to swallow. I heard Quentin Tarantino wanted to direct a Bond movie at some point, I'll bet he could take the franchise interesting places ... IMHO.

Um, yeah, I've wanted to put together a little video blog, maybe show people I'm, like, a real person ... not sure I have anything of interest to discuss. Actually I'm pretty sure of that ... but maybe just saying hey and doing a bit of waxing philosophical wouldn't be too offensively boring ... would it?

^6^regcmul,aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaac~
-///--// -//-----/-/----///&

YccYccYccYccYou push past
YccYccYccYccYou push past
YccYccYccYccYou push past
YccYccYccYccYou push past
YccYccYccYccYou push past
YccYccYccYccYou push past
YccYccYccYccYou push past
YccYccYccYccYou push past

InccccckliU n vfersaaaaac lin sevrqQccccccc aucileat linct fev irg7ecc
welcyerr hot mokWe; nlife sckidddd y travel 55555555555eient one tE&&&
.
yesvit me tryuck n / ausssois re 6lendme qhem treails fv eyyqel mot ercc
whilQ grqrrnly feavo treaclW g Ysind p raqqqqqqqqqqqeNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
You push past/You push past/You push past/You push past/You push past
You push past/You push past/You push past/You push past/You push past
You push past/You push past/YCu pushCpCst/CCuCpushCpCst/Cou]pCsh pCCt
YoC CCsh CasC/YCC CuCC pCst/CouCpCCh CaCC/CCC CuCC pCCC/CCCCCCCCCCCCC

~~%

Favor labor CRCALLLid yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.*

You push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou pus
h pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastY
ou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push
pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYo
u push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push
pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou
push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push p
astYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou
push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pa
stYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou p
ush pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pas
tYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou pu
sh pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push past
You push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou pus
h pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastY
ou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push
pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYo
u push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push
pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou
push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push p
astYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou
push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pa
stYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou p
ush pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pas
tYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou pu
sh pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push past
You push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou pus
h pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastY
ou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push
pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYo
u push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push
pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou push pastYou
push pastYou push past

Where I set a rather disappointing level of expectation. (But not especially out of much choice)

I guess I shouldn't worry too much about being completely understood. I had made a pretty sincere effort years ago, but it led me to typing nonsense ... I reckon it was the best I could do at the time, and also kind of funny too, in a way ...

I don't have much to say ... I've honestly been preoccupied with changes in consciousness, perspective ... paying more attention to this synesthesia thing than anything else. Trying to find balance in my world ... just a tad mindfucked r/n, thanks. Today was actually pretty crazy, introspectively speaking ... and unlike anything I've ever been through. Really. It's weird when these patches of feeling overstimulated come and go, it's easy to try and believe nothing really happened.

What the hell am I going to do with myself? Heh ...

More and more I'm thinking I have some form of it, since the definition is:

"a neurologically based phenomenon in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second sensory or cognitive pathway."

... From this interesting Wikipedia article.

I'd thought before that Synesthesia was restricted to sensory phenomena ... but the examples in the article of cognitive Synesthesia are something I strongly identify with. More later, maybe.

I had an unsettling flash of existential dread as I opened my apartment door the other day. Sometimes the persistence reality makes me nervous.

I've taken to writing semi-corny self-assurances of some level of sanity in a new journal. I actually still have the one I kept around the blightfisherrgo, and earlier, times. It's called ß.4 (ß as in the greek letter beta). There were ß's 1-3 also, but those were text files on a harddrive that crashed.

The new journal is called ß.5. I have a very pedantic cataloging system worked out that satisfies the engineer in me. Each entry gets called ß.5.1, ß.5.2, and so on. Addendums are could be named something like ß.5.2.1, ß.5.2.2, and so on.

I almost thought about burning ß.4, but after having a look through it, I think I'll keep it. It's quite a trip. Surreal situations described with very careful detail. I am very "reality" obsessed, in fact, I have quite a powerful distaste for simple egotism because it so often gets in the way of precision. Tis a reflex to be checked.

Situations, attributes, observations fall neatly under the semantic umbrella of very carefully chosen terms, I find in retrospect years later .... sometimes. I'm very happy when I feel they do ... in a pride-of-craftsmanship sort of way. After all, the act of being and doing is itself somewhat of an art.

But ... seeing the a bit of forest for the trees doesn't mean I'm still not in the forest. That's difficult to remember, sometimes.

It's a really strange and funny thing to consider ... because IRL, I think it's very obvious that I'm very laid back and not full of myself at all.
I get surprised sometimes when people's first impression of me is "serious". But I guess I'm quiet and intense a lot, too.

I do get a laugh out of razzing/teasing friends and stuff, but if they're not having a good time, I'm not having a good time.

So ... there ya go. I wouldn't really claim to be better or worse than the next guy ... after all it's all relative, and always subjective.