I have never written a journal entry of any kind, so this is a first for me. It feels good to lose my virginity. Even if its only my journal virginity. I don't really know what is prompting me to write one now, but I said fuck it. I visited my X girlfriend's grave today. It was the first time I had been there in probably five years. I used to go all the time. It didn't feel like it helped going there so I stopped. She commited suicide, what will be nine years ago in May. It doesn't seem like nine years have passed. I was just a youngen at the time, being older gives us all more prespective, I suppose. However, it certainly does not make it easier. I felt somewhat guilty that A) I hadn't been there in so long and B) that with time she slips more away from my memory. I also, as I always do at any grave site, felt strange. That here I am standing over the remains of someone I loved. Talking to dirt and stone. Not really knowing if any of it is being heard by anyone. I guess the important part is that it is being heard by me. Some type of weird therapy. Her gravestone is really creepy because it has a picture of her on it. I have never seen any other gravestone like that. In a way it is cool to die young. I will never think of her as being any older then 18. For ever immortalized at that age. Never knowing her to grow old and have all the problems that we face with age. But still, I wish she was here with me to talk to and see how she would have matured. Whatever the case may be I hope she made the right choice in death. I also hope she knows or knew how much I cared about her and miss her. That I will never be able to tell her. Thats probably what hurts the most. Well, I guess thats enough for my first entry. Probably a little to personal, but it does make me feel better. RIP Nicole I will always love you!!!!