softreply's journals

so i've been really worried about my cat, kiara. (actually, she was my mom's cat. she came to my mom's apartment and stayed forever. it turned out she was pregnant and had about five kittens. one died immediately, princess - a boy - died after less than a year. my toby is roaming the apartment complex as far as i know. the other two, i inherited. only to have my sprite run off. so i'm left with just fluffy and kiara.)
anyway. she's been having weird seizures. brocas and i noticed the first one when we were at the aparment, cleaning it out. it's been getting worse and worse. not only that, she won't leave the bathroom, and refuses to use the litterbox or defecate outdoors like the rest of the cats. it's gotten to the point where i have to go in and feed and water her. she will literally not drink unless i put the water right in front of her, i even have to physically turn her around to face the water bowl. and she sits on the ledge in front of the bathroom mirror, so when she has a seizure, of course she falls off. often, she'll be in the middle of cleaning herself, she'll seize and wind up getting hurt and bleeding all over the bathrrom.
i can tell you, this is super fun. nothing like cleaning up bloos and piss and shit several times a day. at least it's the bathroom.
so we think it's this thing: feline hyperesthesia. so i'm going to try to do these things it lists. at least it'll give me something to focus on other than my *own* depression. make the sick kitty better. i can do that...
on a depressing note, it reminds of those couple of days when i thought my mom had survived the stroke and the plans i made for her rehabilitation and care... i would have given up my life to take care of her. now i have to give up my life to take care of my little brother, but at least i have  some time and some leeway... i mean, he's 11. he's smart. he can work in a few years... heh.
whatever.
fix the kitty.
the end.




~soma~

i so don't feel like doing anything *ever*
i'm getting no sleep because evidently, the nightmares are back.
the night before last, i dreamed that my 11 year old brother committed suicide. one of my most traumatic dreams *EVER* who dreams that kind of shit? someone who's very fucked up... i had to clean out the apartment all over again, this time there were more cats and the birds were dead.
last night i dreamed my mom was dying and she knew it. i saw the world through her eyes, absorbing every detail of the living world. there were gigantic dandelions for some reason... and at the same time, i had to prepare for her passing, taking care of the practical details...
so i'm not in the mood to do anything constructive. ever.

~soma~

those of you in the s.f. area (and probably lots of other places) know about the exotic erotic ball.  i'll be dancing on the burlesque stage nekkid (in between actual burlesque  acts.) ok... so i won't be *dancing* as much as *writhing* and *cavorting* and beig a dirty, dirty whore. *w00t*
i'm so fucking excited!
i've wanted to work the actual ball for a long-ass time.
if you were around two halloweens ago, you might recall that i worked the *expo* nekkid except for body paint. that sucked. this will pwn. (i gotta stop being on t3h 1n73rw3bz so much....)

~soma~

so if anyone's paying any attention, i now have sets up on www.barelyevil.com and www.ninjaxgirls.com and one pending for www.zivity.com
*w00t*
this excites me greatly.
however i took some "candid shots of me being candid" yesterday and i have to say.... i look horrible. i'm terribly out of shape. i think i'll make a wallpaper of those shots and put them next to older shots and make a wallpaper out of it called "fatty fatty boombalatty" for motivational purposes.
i don't know, it just seems like all the drive to stay in shape was sucked out of me after my mom's passing 5 1/2 months ago.... now that i'm starting to feel slightly normaler, it's time to get back to where i was before.
i also have to update my modelmayhem profiles, get a facebook account, and get my dA model profile up and running again. so much work to do!
but yey for me being an official internet model. things can only get better from here now that i've got my foot in the door. the 3 or 4 years of dreams, hopes, hard work, blood, sweat, and tears seem to finally be paying off.
even despite the current economical depression. in fact, i think the only thing that will pay will be web site work. freelancing it will not pay, i'm pretty certain. but once you have the "blue blood" tag assigned to yourself, perhaps that makes you more desireable as a model. so yey.
i have a lot of work to do - on myself, on my sites, on everything.
i have a new confidence that has been lost since my mom's anchor was cut from me.

~soma~

*wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee*
so i'm finally officially a website model!
my very first set for blue blood on www.barelyevil.com
so fucking excited.
my set for ninjaxgirls.com should be live soon, as well as zivity.com
WTH
*yey*
i feel so *awesome* right now.
i'll keep this feeling as long as i can.
i'm so excited i could pee.
i also finally made a flickr account.... (you can see previews of these sets on there, too) http://www.flickr.com/photos/soma_stardust/
*bouncesaway*

~soma~

so...
there's this site ninjaxgirls.com
i'm going to be one of the girls :3
i have named myself shiyuki (shi=death, yuki=snow)
and i'm also supposed to be on zivity.com as well.
so yey.
and i'm obsessed with producing hdr images... ><
AND my fucking dumbass cat disappeared for a week despite the fact that she's seriously wounded.... she came back yesterday.
so i guess these are good things.

~soma~

i've decided to be more active. so i can waste more time with my life.
i've also uploaded some new pics. cause i felt like it needed updating.
i'm.... very scattered lately. ><

~soma~

i am not paying sufficient attention to the things i should be paying attention to. and these aren't the things you would expect.
i can't remember my dreams. they pass by and float away. i think it comes from forcing myself to not pay attention.... after my mom's death i had horrible nightmares. everytime i closed my eyes - even when i blinked - all i could see was her lifeless body in the hospital bed. and the dreams were worse. and to keep myself sane, of course, i have to block out my feelings on the whole subject almost entirely.
i believe i was born the wrong species... perhaps the wrong world or the wrong universe. i.do.not.fit.here. it goes beyond mere time placement.
we waste far too much time on this thing we so very optimistically call "living." perhaps this is really just hell, and we were alive on a much better world. or maybe it's my own personal hell. i was Bad in my Last Life and this is where they sent me. i'm a fallen angel or elf or faerie or something wonderful, confined to this horrid mortal realm.
is it insane to think these things? i hope so.

~soma~

ps: i know i'm bad at getting back to people, i promise i will soon

so basically all i do is: http://softreply.deviantart.com/
everything i do i turn into art. because i can. because i think i'll die if i don't. even if it's crappy art, it must be done.
besides that, i'm poorer than fuck. who wants to give me money.
i'm dead serious. i'm scared of like... living on the street.
and don't tell me to get a job, fucktard, you already know the impossibility. i can't hold my self together. and nobody wants me as a model anymore. someone must be out there spreading lies.
at least i'm losing that stubborn extra poundage since there isn't as much to eat.
so anyway, i sit here all day looking at dA and making stuff to put there... it keeps me occupied. keeps the stuffing on the inside of my seams, except it poofs out most of the time so i have to poke it back in, then another part poofs out, it's a vicious cycle.

~soma~

*won't let me link to my new poem.*
it's here, same title:
http://softreply.deviantart.com/

~soma~