seanZEROmatic's journals

so long since i've been able to get on here.  i've missed a lot, but fortunately, no one has missed me.  prefer it that way.  but it's been good, moving and working and writing and playing and shooting a lot more.  actually making some money doing it.  which is always good.  anything extra helps.  i guess i need to get a profile up on mayhem or whatever.  everyone keeps telling me to.  i need them photoshop skills though.  ugh.  so right now my friend is helping me with that.  and i might be falling in love with her.  which is really nice, because over the past 6 months to a year i've been juggling 4 or 5 girls at a time, and it's really not fun, or fair..  but as it always goes, finally after all this time finding someone i feel i could really settle in with, the situation is complicated...  and not knowing if it's entirely reciprocated is a bit frustrating.  eh.  that's how it works i guess.  i'm just ready, now.  finally.  sucks to be so picky.  but i'm not going to give that up, or else i'd be lying to myself.  the one thing i take pride in, about myself, is being straightforward and honest.  nothing is hidden. 

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those pictures are sideways.  they're correct on photobucket...  :

usually a bad combination. i hate being sick, unless it means getting off work early and coming home so i can have lots of time to lurk this site. awesome. i really haven't had a chance to look around at everything, to see what the community's like and all that. so today's been nice. although it took me hours just to look at the eight new sets on the home page... i get too easily distracted away from the computer. which i suppose is a good thing. then again, i still have no idea what the online community is like here. oh well. anyway, this weekend, before the sick, was pretty fucking kick ass. i got to hang out with the girl who has a baby and a baby's daddy/boyfriendish-guy-she-lives-with. complicated. but she played me a song she wrote for me and we made out. it was a good song. and make out, of course. we have awesome makeouts. all i can remember is the line "your hair's a mess, and so am", 'cause my hair is always a mess, and she has such a fucked up situation. i couldn't remember the words to the song i wrote for her, so i played "kathy's song" for her (and changed it to anie, her name) because we love that song and it fits well. it was nice. oh, and we finally humped the weekend before last. she just kinda jumped me in my car after a show. it was great, but not how i wanted our first time to be. still totally kick ass though. sigh. i totally love her and she totally loves me. but there's really no way we can be together. at least not now, or anytime soon. life. saturday was interesting. i met up with this girl at an art show by the moscone center... we first met on yelp and started chatting because we both were on this BDSM thread and had similar tastes.. weeks later she randomly sends me a message saying "you're cute". that was it. i'm like.. what? anyway, i figured it was ok to hit on her at this point, which led me to take her out to dinner last weekend, and subsequently go down on her at the midnight showing of Iron Man. good movie, by the way. so saturday we met up at this art show, which was a little depressing. good, but depressing. which, needless to say, wasn't really what we were going for - so we drank away our blues with some margaritas and headed over to Madame S (and Mr. S - they're high end sex shops for women and men, respectively). lots of leather and latex. awesome. she picked out some shoes, then she tried on corsets. which are expensive! didn't realize i'd be spending $600 that day. but she got the shoes, a few pairs of thigh highs, and this amazing underbust black leather corset. oh and some cuffs that have this great quick release lock, for those just-in-case sessions. but yeah, six hundred fucking dollars. but that damn corset was just too fucking hot. before we checked out, though, she wanted to try on some latex stuff, 'cause she had never worn it before. i documented the occasion. she likes collars, but not the latex ones. i like collars too, but prefer to use my hands. we loved this but loved this even more (strangely enough) she's pretty after we went back to my house and took a hot tub, we were all kinds of worked up. and there's nothing quite like a girl in a corset and cuffs...

it's good.  i like it.  everything.

madness.  sweeping emotional currents under the calm

like an iceburg.  

go back, but be there.

it makes me smile.

when there's so much going on but it's all casual enough that you don't have to pay too much attention.  like "america" by paul simon, who said the best line he ever wrote was "toss me a cigarette, i think there's one in my raincoat."

i just bought 10 things of peeps.

 

mmm

after everything

that has been, to find myself

now comes natural

time for bed

life is always special, but you know  how sometimes it's a little bit extra?  i fucking love that.  fickle friend