Im not sure why exactly... but recently i havent really felt that great about myself..

i dunno why...

its like i go through these "i hate me" stages where i just wanna rip myself to shreds and insult myself.. and tell my self im stupid and ugly and to just stop trying....

but i have to learn to resist.

Because i noticed ive stopped eating regularly... its like a mild kind of depression i guess.....

well.. i feel like im drying up like a rose left out in the sunshine for too long...

maybe its too much drugs..or not enough drugs...

or not enough vitamines.... or too much...i dunno.

All i know is that for some lamo reason..i feel..well ....lamo!

i dont know how it starts... im usually a pretty confident person... confident..not vein. But i dont usually feel like "the ugly one" everywhere i go... exept just recently.

its like im missing something inside thats saposed to tell me that im wrong.. that im not fat or ugly or stupid .... where is that voice??

is she on vacation???

i wanna go....

Its like when i look at pictures of myself..i just wanna scratch them up..and rip them or set em all on fire.... what a feeling!

I think it started when i overprocessed my hair and was unhappy with the result.... but why this awekward downward spiral of self hate...

if i could.. maybe id fight myself.. just duke it out until all the energy has depleted out of my self hate chamber.

[Im not sure if its a chamber.. it can be just a closet or something...]

...I just dont know.

Maybe i need to go shopping.... or to the beach..or both.

Maybe i need to just let go and go eat a chocolate cake.

i swear this is unusual for me.....

and its so stupid, i know.... but for some reason.. i just feel like crap.

Up, down, Up , down.

Thats me. Thats how i operate.

Well.. now im in the "down" elevator... going down..down..down....

how do i make myself like myself again?

how?

being a girl is really fun..i think.. we get to go through all these wierd emotional problems and all kindes of self doubt baggage and all that... but you know.. its okay.

As long as im feeling something.... id hate not to be able to feel.... so...

i appreciate what i have and all these feelings too.

Maybe ill develope a trendy eating disorder and that'll take care of it....

maybe ill go read a book about elephants.. because i LOVE elephants.

Maybe i just need to smoke a bowl....

well.. like i said before.... the only way to go from down.. is UP.. so....

hopefully things will start looking up soon...

and i can be at peace again...