joellealyce

im at the hair salon right now
and im so depressed i feel like crying
because earlier today i put vegetable oil and conditioner all over my head to get the rest of the glue from my extensions out
(which i should have done 3 days ago)
and their not all the way out so she said we probably wont have time to finish my extensions and she wont be back until tuesday
why dont i deserve anything good that i want?
i do everything for everyone else to make sure that there life is good and their happy and i get nada.
im really sad
oh yeah
AND I GOT DENIED AGAIN

so as im typing my babys nursing.. not easy. but i love it. ill tell you if youve never nursed a child before, its the best most heart warming feeling ever!
no word yet from julene so i just keep praying.
just got back from the grocery store where i bought a variety of beautiful flowers including pom poms, sunflowers and spider mums.
and made some gorgeous arrangements, my son LOVES flowers and nature. i let him touch them and tell him stories about them.
i want to be the kind of mom that he talks about when hes older..like " my mother was a saint, she did everything for me, and i love her so much" i want to give him many memories he wont forget.
and most of our memories i wont let him forget, because i keep a journal on his life, momentos of everything + many pictures.
also today i went to zanzibars world art store for their sidewalk sale..
and i got some really cool bugs (my babys nursery theme) made out of coca cola and 7 up cans made in vietnam
and a gorgeous knitted hooded pancho with a scene with sheep a sun cactus and clouds its blue and beautiful it was made in peru
im going back tomarrow to get a pink one for my future daughter.
most prized purchase:: the lady del muerte statue.
(pictures later)
yesterday my husband and i took my son to get his first shots. "5 POKES!!" gosh it was heartwrenching. but we made it through and he got a superman sticker for being such a strong boy.

so first off,
i got a reply a few days ago on my application from julene, (this is the 2nd time ive applied, once when i wasnt a member and then now). i dont know if this sounds lame but its the truth so, i was holding back happy tears when i got that email. and it was just asking for more pictures. this means so much to me. I dont know if im sending the "right" ones. i just tried to send "real" ones. and i check my inbox like 15 times a day to see if i have a reply. lol. and i keep buying cute little bras and panties, hair things, and other pieces for taking pictures. am i lame for this?

my husbands, being home is going alot better. i guess we just had pent up sexual frustration from the last 5 months of him being locked up, once we got that taken care of weve been having a wonderful time. we are really enjoying our family life. we are starting to renovate our first house together. (weve had an apartment but a house is totally different) which makes me so excited for decorating my babys "bug" nursery, and my "day of the dead" living room.

weve been taking my baby fun places too, the california state fair, the mickies grove zoo, old sacramento. just fun little things close to home. making sure that we keep momentos for scrapbooking. hes getting so big so fast. yeah everyone tells you that will happen but damn it, it doesnt sink in till you see it happen to your babies. its an unbelieveable feeling of extreme happy and sad at the same time. hes a great baby. of course.

-watching movies with dad


-the CA state fair


-first time eating baby yogurt


-the zoo

my sons been crying all day..
it might have something to do with my mood
ive been mumbling all day that i hate my fat self

i have never been this fat
and i cant stand the way i look
yeah i know i just had a beautiful baby boy 2 months ago
and id gain a million pounds for him any day

but that doesnt stop me from hating getting dressed or looking in the mirror
when i first had him a was so skinny for a month
and now..
well i asked my gramma (my ammie) if shes ever seen me this fat
and she said honestly no...(followed by more encouraging stuff and trying to give me money to go shopping for stuff that fits)
she is AWESOME for that
there is no other person in this world that would tell me the truth about that
and i love her for that.
im just gonna try to nurse more
and eat nothing but fruit
well at least try my hardest.

i talked to my friend emily today
that made me really happy
to know i have a friend that isnt in my family.
dont get me wrong all i need is my little family
but emilys great.

were starting the remodling of our little house this week
the place i will wake with my husband for the next years
and watch my son grow.

the futures good.

and i keep checking my email
for annaliese's reply
i check it constantly...
but the answer will probably still be a no

i just want it soo bad to be a yes.
it means so much to me right now
is that stupid?

so my husband came home for the weekend on his home pass.
we had a suprisingly good weekend.
for once it wasnt all showing off and going a million places.
he layed down and played with our son on his playmat.
and we all took a nap together..i know that if you dont have children that doesnt sound too exciting..but it is the best thing a mommy could ask for.
also a trip to raleys for grocery shopping turned into a "scrapbook moment" when little felix got his first balloon.
today i went to target with the baby and had a hell of a time with all the stuff fitting in the cart...wow.
but i managed to get him his rainforest jumper...and ill tell you what for 2 months old, this kid holds his own head up and jumps away..he was so proud of himself..but i was even more proud. pushed to tears proud.