goldenone's journals

finished my exam!!  and i'm pretty sure i passed - maybe even did quite well!

yessssss yay for me

stress is so not worth it though. it doesn't make you do any better. i will obviously forget this bit of wisdom before my next exam though, and will end up stressing just as hard

i have an exam in 9 hours. i am so unprepared, i'm freaking out. it's open book, but that always means it's ten times as hard, because you have the answers right in front of you, you just have to find and interpret them.

i really need to calm down cos trying to study this panicked means i'm absorbing exactly zero of what i'm reading. and there's all these different forms you're supposed to already know the uses for: TG, VE, RTC, RTU, WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!!  the upsetting thing is, i do this stuff at work every day. but just because i know how to create an easement or whatever doesn't mean i can explain WHY you do it that way... you just do.

FUCK EASEMENTS! FUCK SUBDIVISIONS! can i drop out now??

myspace australia are launching a new section called myspace art & culture or something and they're going to feature some people's art.  i want them to feature me!  i've sent them an email with a link to my profile and some samples of my work. ooooh i hope they pick me!

this weekend i'm going to get to work on some more godsgirls pieces. so keep your eyes out girls, you might be next in line!

and if you like my art, please send a message to myspace australia (http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=215344569) and tell them to feature me, www.myspace.com/prudenceclaire, as an artist!!

xxx

i wish i was single.

i'm finding this whole "relationship" thing so hard! okay, i love my boyfriend. i do. but i am naturally happier single so i'm finding the whole thing really hard. and it really freaks me out to think that if our relationship works out, i'll never be alone again. or not for years and years anyway. and then i think "well maybe we could still be together but live separately or something", but no one wants to do that! no normal person has a problem with sharing their life with someone they love!

but i love everything about being on my own. my own house, with no one else's shit lying around, no one else's ugly taste in furniture or hideous tiger posters or stupid harmon kardon stereo taking up the whole sitting room. no one's mess to clean up but my own, no one hogging the bed or the toilet or the hot water.  admittedly i am a neat freak and my houses have always been pristine, and ryan is a hoarder and his houses have always been nightmares of clutter. we live in a house where every cupboard is packed full, you can't even get into the spare room and there are cars, car parts, broken furniture, and i don't know what else, all around the house. it is a dump. i'm embarrassed to be seen there. so i think all the time about a cute little unit, all my own, clean and tidy and with a nice litte garden that doesn't have car parts all over it.

i'm also going crazy with the general frustration of having to clear every, single, little decision or expense with the other person. i'm seriously independent and i like to be in control. i can't stand that i never know how much money is in our bank account, or i might want to start a strict savings plan but ryan needs to spend $1,000 on a gearbox or whatever. and at the end of the day, i am a lot better at  life than ryan is. sad but true. he doesn't open any of his mail, he wasn't paying any of his bills (to the point where the council was going to seize his house for non-payment of rates. he was going to let them sell a $200,000 house for the sake of a $3,000 debt), his driver's licence is constantly either suspended or about to be suspended, and of course, there's the hoarding. and let's not forget the constant power struggles with his boss, his friends, me... pretty much everyone he comes into contact with. he doesn't do his tax returns, he doesn't vote.

we got together and in my usual control freak way, i took over and fixed up what i could. i made a payment arrangement with the council and sa water to bring his rates debts under control. i hassled his tenant until she started paying her rent every week. i took control of the money and made sure we were saving money out of every pay. before, he was eating two minute noodles and stealing mcdonalds napkins instead of buying toilet paper (but he did own five houses). things have obviously changed (the five houses have become two for one thing), but i can't get him to throw anything away, his licence is still in doubt, he still doesn't vote or open his mail or do tax returns. i'm trying to share the load but it's hard. my life was easy before, now everything is hard.

and at the end of the day, i don't know if this will work. i love him and i don't want us to break up, but our lifestyle is making me so unhappy. and on top of that, i don't even like being in a relationship. this is doomed.

i'm bad at love. i push people away and i'm trying not to do that this time. but i don't know whether loving him as a person is enough to make the way we live worth it. and i'm wondering if i'm allowing this to continue simply because i don't want to fall into my old pattern of "this is getting too hard, let's break up".  but we have talked about it and how unhappy it makes me and the bald truth is, he knows he has issues but he doesn't really want/know how to change.

ugh. how do you know if there's enough good stuff to balance out the bad??

i really want to drop out of my course. i will be finished at the end of this year but i'm so NOT interested. it feels like a lifetime. i've already dropped out of one of the subjects this semester so i'm only doing one subject. we have an exam mid-June and i can't even be bothered picking up my books to study.  i just don't care any more!

it's been four years of the most boring crap. property law, contract law, commercial law, trust accounts, easements, leases, trusts and estates ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

uuugghhhhhhh i am so NOT the studenty type!!

it is so dark and stormy right now. it's like 4.30pm and already nighttime. i'm supposed to go to this gym after work and have a little "tour" and see what they have to offer before i decide to sign up. i know i'm probably going to sign up anyway so this is just a big waste of my time when i could be at the pub drinking and having fun!

except that it's dark and stormy and a far better night for drinking at home in trackie daks. surely one of my friends will risk their life on the wet roads to come drink with me on a friday night!

this entry was really about nothing except my need to waste time before hometime...

today is ryan's and my two-year anniversary. my new default pic is going to be on the cover of the anniversary card i give him tonight at dinner.  it's cos we call each other butty and buttface and butthead etc and have these super high brow conversations which go: me: "you are a BUTT"
ryan: "no you are a butt"
me: "you are the butt"
ryan: "YOU are"

i'm putting the pic of my butt on the front of the card and then inside i'm going to write "TWO YEARS OF BUTT".

yay!  i'm excited! personally i can't believe we've been together two years already. we have had some super shitty times and more recently some super awesome times. yay for the butts!

... not getting email updates for the forums?  haven't had any for about 24 hours now

seriously, i think i need to get off the internet for a while and chill out.

I just got a bulletin on myspace from this guy which said, among other things "guys don't like sluts, even though they have sex with them. oh yes that's right... you're not 'popular' if you've slept with more than five guys, you're A HO".

what the fuck.  who seriously thinks like that.  more than five sexual partners makes you a ho??  and after reading a thread on gg today where some captain mcspecial said that girls should douche because they can't get clean any other way, and he doesn't want to put his dick in a "dirty bitch" who might have a "pussy cancer" from her friend's dildo. well, obviously he is seriously intellectually handicapped but this is depressing.

sometimes i really think nothing ever changes. i'm not on a man hating rant, but that is disgusting that not only these guys really TRULY think that way, but they have the courage of their convictions to actually say it in a public place.

i KNOW it's just the internet and there's no point in getting worked up, but those dudes exist in the real world somewhere and that sickens me.

...but i love this song:

"you give me something" by james morrison

You want to stay with me in the morning
You only hold me when I sleep, 
I was meant to tread the water
Now I've gotten in too deep,
For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.

You already waited up for hours
Just to spend a little time alone with me,
And I can say I've never bought you flowers
I can't work out what they mean,
I never thought that I'd love someone,
That was someone else's dream.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause someday I might call you from my heart,
But it might me a second too late,
And the words I could never say
Gonna come out anyway.

'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something,
'Cause you give me something
That makes me scared, alright,
This could be nothing
But I'm willing to give it a try,
Please give me something
'Cause someday I might know my heart.
Know my heart, know my heart, know my heart

if we for some reason decided to get married, i would want this song played at our wedding.  everyone tells me it's not a proper love song but it's perfect for me. i'm not a big sooky sooky romantic love person, and i've never really wanted to be in love ("that was someone else's dream").

the bit in bold makes me cry. loving ryan like i do does make me scared, and our relationship could come to nothing (certainly plenty of people have told us it will) but i am willing to give it a try.  and i've never been able to tell someone i love them and mean it, and with him the words kind of come tumbling out.

so yeah. that's my big sooky love song that makes me cry.

what's yours?