On Saturday night we went to Kelly and Kym's (our best friends who are engaged) house. Ryan went to bed in Kelly and Kym's bed in the early hours of the morning while the rest of us stayed up drinking. Kelly went in there at some point as well. I had a weird feeling about the two of them the whole night and couldn't stop myself from going in there every now and then to check on them.  I kept expecting to walk in and find them kissing.  I kept telling myself to relax and stop worrying but I just had this bad feeling. Well anyway late Ryan left their house yesterday afternoon and Kelly and Kym said they would run me home. Later on Kelly asked me to come into the bedroom and as soon as we sat down I knew what she was going to tell me. She had kissed Ryan and tried to have sex with him - and when he pushed her away and said it wasn't right she told him that she had told me and I'd said it was fine, which was a total lie. It also means that if Ryan had wanted to have sex with her too, they probably would have done it. What had actually happened is that she came out of the bedroom at one point and I said "Dude, have you and Ryan been kissing?" because it was one of those things where I just KNEW. She said yeah she had tried to kiss him but he'd pushed her away so they'd only kissed for a second. I said "I consider that to be cheating" and she's like "Oh yeah I agree, I'm so sorry dude" and I thought that was the end of it.

Anyway so after Ryan had left she tried to sit me down on the bed and talk to me about it, but I just said "Tell me exactly what happened" and she said they had kissed for a couple of minutes before he pushed her away. I just knew there was more to it than that - for one thing, a couple of the times I went into the bedroom to "check" on them, I had stood in the doorway for a few minutes without them knowing I was there and there was definitely stuff going on under the doona (sounds like something out of Big Brother!!). So I said to her "Are you SURE that's all that happened?" and she said yes yes they just kissed. Well once she said that I knew she was going to lie to me about it so I left and started walking home. As I was walking home she called me and left a message saying could I please call her back so she could explain. As far as I'm concerned, I had the relevant information and anything else she wanted to say would be excuses and justifications. Then I thought I should let her say as much as possible so I called her back but her phone was engaged. I knew that she was on the phone to Ryan probably making sure they had their story straight. It turns out I was right about that too.

So anyway I called Ryan and told him what she'd said. He raced home and we spent the whole of last night talking. It appears that he was sleeping in the bed and she crawled in next to him and just started doing whatever she could to have sex with him. He said he woke up to find her with her hand in his pants, jerking him off. He says he stopped her right away but then she kissed him and he did kiss her back - so he's not 100% innocent either. He told me she was extremely forceful and he had to lift her bodily off him to make her stop because she was on a mission. He said he was half-asleep and fuzzy about what was going on. I find that hard to believe because personally, if I was in bed with Kym and woke up to find him with his hand in my knickers, it wouldn't matter how sleepy I was, I wouldn't stay in the bed - I would wake up instantly and jump out and tell him to piss off.

The whole time Ryan and I have been together I've had this feeling about the two of them - I watch them like a hawk whenever they're together and I can't shake the feeling that they have the hots for each other. I tried to shut myself up and stop myself from being paranoid because there's nothing to worry about but I've never succeeded in shaking this feeling. For the past few weeks whenever I've seen them together talking or whatever I keep expecting to turn around and see them kissing. It's just got worse and worse until this weekend when I was convinced that they were doing something and oh, turns out they were. So my intuition was probably right this whole time which is why someone like me who doesn't get jealous, was suddenly mad with jealousy seeing Ryan and Kelly even have a conversation.

My problem now is I don't know what to do. My friendship with Kelly is obviously over. The fact that my best friend would do that to me - and lie to Ryan about me being cool so she could trick him into having sex - and then after that lie to me and try to get Ryan to lie to me, well, she's obviously not the person I had thought. I just don't know if Ryan and I can still be together. I won't want to go anywhere that she's going to be there. I certainly won't want Ryan to go anywhere she's going to be. I have no trust left for her, and not a lot left for him. I don't ever want to be in the same room with the two of them again. If we go to a party I'll watch them hug or have a talk and it will be horrible. And god forbid they end up alone in a room together, however innocent it is. I don't want to be in that position. Ryan says he hates her but the thing I keep thinking is, how friendly he was able to be with her after this happened. Once again, if it was me and Kym, I would get seriously angry with Kym for putting me in that position, and I would tell Ryan we're leaving straight away and tell him what happened. I wouldn't sit there for the next six hours making jolly conversation and pretending nothing was wrong.

Ugh!! I just don't know. I feel like I could get better about my feelings towards Ryan if there was no Kelly around, but that's impossible and every time she turns up somewhere, it's all going to rush back into my mind. It's the second time the two of them have betrayed me and I wish that I hadn't tried to shut up that little voice which was yelling that something was wrong and to pay attention. I just thought I was being silly. As if your best friend and your boyfriend would do something like that.

I just had to puke it all out of my head because I've been thinking about it non-stop since Kelly tried to sit me down on the bed.