TheAltruist's journals

Yep I’m a bona fide hero. Fuck you. Woke up lurked GG a bit while watching sponge bob and listening to The Knife. I finally get up to go make breakfast and over the din I hear my mom yelling. I follow the dog to the kitchen and I see the emergency. A little lizard has gotten in through the screen that I bent while drunkenly trying to break into the house(referencing drunken incident no.972). St.Judas patron saint of secretly hating all of your friends.The window was open so he came right in. Mom hates all non-furry/feathery animals. I love reptiles though. So I was actually quite pleased. I get a Dixie cup and an oven mitt and set out to capture and release it back into the wild of the front porch. Mom snatches the oven mitt away-“don’t use my household materials! Use this rolled up newspaper no one reads.” So I set to work. I try to guide it into the cup with the paper but like most prey animals it’s really fast and cagey. It gets down to the floor and I remember that in all my two plus decades I’ve caught frogs,toads, turtles, and even a snake -but, never a little lizard. Uh-oh. Mom is now going “oh my lord,oh jesus”-over and over again. I’m starting to feel like John McClain in Die Hard or maybe Axel Foley in Beverly Hills cop 3 where he had to save those kids from the roller coaster. Mom wants to step on it and out of the corner of the eye I see the dog move in and I realize that if I don’t get this lizard before he gets out of the kitchen It’s dead. Not a lot of pressure. I finally gingerly grab it afraid I’ll hurt it and put it in the cup triumphantly. Biggest smile I’ve smiled all year-had to be. Then I released it to the porch with the dog quietly watching. I was quite proud that he didn’t demand to kill it. He likes killing things. Eh maybe this will be a good day after all. Even if I’ll never make it to the bank in time.

Beware the Ides of May V.2

 

Well since we’re randomly assigning holidays. I declare today a holiday. If only because when I read “Julius Caesar” when I was 17 I thought that the Ides of May were way more important that March’s. I mean for me the summer has always been dangerous and hella fun and today is the gateway to summer. All hell breaks loose after this kids. So to celebrate or honor ,whatever holiday status implies, we shall do whatever we please no matter what. I mean what’s a holiday if you spend it doing stupid stuff like eating stale crackers and grape juice while pretending that they’re some hippie Jew’s body and blood respectively. I offer up my second annual ides of may experience to help you visualize how cool this holiday can be.

            First I woke up and made a breakfast burrito quesadilla. It was kind of awkward to eat and I burned the onions and it only had cheese in the middle but it was quite satisfying. Oh and then I drank an entire bottle of $5 champagne(I needed to finish this as I had purchased it on a trip to a strip club a few weeks ago and got too drunk to finish it. Wow that was a big wad of shinfo) while listening to the Appleseed Cast, lurking around the net, and reading the Invisibles.

            After the heady champagne buzz wore off I decided to head down to my local abandoned/unfinished subdivision I jog in to bury a few dead animals I found yesterday (2 turtles and a dog…well parts of a dog.)See I absolutely adore reptiles especially turtles I had many when I was a child(because I kind of killed them all but, that’s neither here nor there.) and I’m even considering a turtle tat even though it seems all kinds of feminine in a bad way..

So I set off to bury the dog first.I put it in a garbage bag because it seemed a better idea than carrying dog parts while hiking through a desiccated marsh. St.Judas patron saint of self serving yet grim tasks.Yep as I moved off of the black top into the undeveloped areas of the subdivision. I realized that it used to be a marsh/bog/swamp/wetlands/really wet muddy type place. I also found the remains of an old estate. It was pretty cool. The whole place is a graveyard. The construction must be upsetting the balance of the ecosystem there. I could tell that this place while still somewhat lush was teeming with life in a former life. The old estate must have been overtaken by the marsh. No one probably even remembers it was there. There are places like this all over Georgia old skeletal houses just becoming part of the landscape again until some developer can track down the owners who probably have forgotten it if they even know they own it. My family has our own skeletal estate deep in the country. It annoys me that such an awesome place has to die so that people from Ohio or New York who think that we’re all just a bunch of retarded hicks(and many of us are) can come move in and complain about how much we suck compared to “up north”. Fucking cunts I hope they all get a nice taste of southern hospitality(southern hospitality=we will fuck you up if you fuck with us.keep your head down on Georgia red clay) for their part in the de-greening of GA. Blah blah blah more hippy talk.

Back to the dog burial. So I trekked deep into this dying bog, about half a mile or so, pretty fun actually. I used to do this kind of stuff a lot as a kid (I didn’t have any friends…understandably).I’m pretty sure that there used to be a few quicksand (great band) pits in there before it dried up because the ground was so soft and unstable. I think there was a river too.There’s a cool stream now in this huge crevice that thins out into a babbling brook  amidst these tall thick grasses. This is where I buried the dog after I sunk knee deep into the banks of this tiny brook not even a foot apart ( this also supports my quicksand theory. This place was actually kind of dangerous.) Yeah turns out I’m an okay gravedigger. Buried the doggie (think he was a rot mix) and then tried to rationalize my urge to do it. My gut told me too and I always go with my gut. But, I think I felt a bit of kinship with it. I feel kinship with corpses. They’re so gonna use these blogs for evidence at my psychiatric hearings. I’m gonna be declared insane for sure. Whatevs. I hiked out of the valley up this wall of boulders the construction crew placed on both walls of it. I figure they’re part decorative and part functional. I can’t figure out the function because I can’t see these suburbanites climbing them because again it’s kind of dangerous. Some of the smaller ones were loose. Then I looked at  the lake  and went home and ate the rest of my vanilla yogurt while I watched the series finale of Gilmore Girls.Yep that’s how you spend the Ides of May the holiday for the nihilist in you.

Why Georgia? Why? Yes, I just quoted a John Mayer song. Eat it. The point is that once again we have an amber alert. Oh nos! A child is missing. It was last seen in a car that’s really popular. So everyone and their mom is gonna get pulled over cept the kidnapper.
Dude people stop losing your Vagina fruit. It annoys. They make lojack for the damn things now. People complain about folks not spanking their kids but, what about folks losing their damn kids every fucking day. St.Judas patron saint of fuck ups. I say we institute leash laws. If my dog can’t go around without a leash why should your walking tax break be able to? Mike is for the kids, just not your kids or kids in general. Well okay Mike isn’t for the kids. It just sounded so cool when O.D.B said it:turtle:

today by the numbers! Times I played chicken on the Sr.400 on- ramp:1 uhhh... there's not really that much else interesting about the day so I'll just go into this. Alright let me set the scene. It's four o'clock my last day of temping. "Same Blood" by The Academy is is blaring on my stereo. I'm stripping layers off because its 90+ degrees outside and I'm in a black car with no A/C. I'm turning onto the on ramp merging right to left with everyone else. When this Black Honda Fit refuses to yield. I in turn refuse and the next quarter mile is spent inches apart on a narrowing lane at 30 miles an hour our bumpers inches away from the mini van in front of us. I look in my rear-view and the truck behind us has backed off ten car lengths and the driver is yelling and feverishly gesturing for one us to back off. I say fuck no and keep at it. My eyes are locked on the mini van's bumper as I massage my brakes . and snap the gas to avoid rear ending it and at the same time keep pace. Finally the fit backs off as we merge into sluggish rush hour traffic. Yeh I know it was reckless, immature, and totally unnecessary. But, Georgia summer is upon me. I'm unstoppable again. While others wilt the sweat trickling down my chin nourishes me and my hatred. Lots more people are gonna get punked,face spat and jugular bit before October stems the tide of my psychosis.St.Judas;patron saint of self destructive tendencies.

So I haven’t written anything in a while. Had lots quirky stories and rants and rants just very little if any motivation. But, lucky you I just woke up extremely annoyed. I noticed this a couple of weeks ago at my local shitty bar where the bartender is a total ass. Oh but, first I need to reiterate something that I’m positive I’ve said before somewhere or another; GHB should only be used for recreational use as it is quite potent and dangerous if flipped and dosing is gay. I don’t care if you’re an old dude with a really fucked up mustache you can get laid without drugging people. Just lower your standards a bit. I mean you do have a fucked up stache. Oh and also cuz if I catch you you’re eating glass.
Now back to the main rant. I’m sitting down sipping on the first (and probably last) Foster’s of the year when this song comes on that makes everyone in the bar except guess who dance. The song as far as I can tell is called “Party like a Rock star” Because all the guy says is party like a rock star. I mean its no “tatted up”. But, I know all you impressionable kids out there think it’s cool to party like a rock star and all. However you’re taking this advice from a “rapper”(he’s more of a sped that only knows 4 words and his make a wish wish was to be a rapper) who’s idea of a rockstar is more than likely Daughtry or Ashlee Simpson. So his party like a rock star includes drinking Shirley temples or whatever shitty drink the kids drink these days and playing strip yahtzee or something. But, partying like a real rockstar gets you yelled at, put in jail, the hospital or a dirt hole. For example partying like Tommy Lee includes: getting fucked up and beating your wife and or making sex tapes. Partying Like: Sid Vicious entails shooting up and killing a bitch. Partying like Nikki Sixx is a legendary affair including od’ing going to the hospital then taking another hit on the way home. There are dozens of these party like a real rockstar scenarios mostly ending in jail time vomit asphyxiation, alleged rape,murder,dismemberment,sex tapes,smacking bitches,legs like linguini and you know the usual shit. So I implore you kids don’t party like a rockstar.Well actually I don’t care just do it right and stop supporting the destruction of the South and Southern hip-hop ya asses.
oooooohhh smiley things....00|(u):@:arrow:8-)

yep. here's today broken down by the numbers.

shirts worn inside out all day :1

Times passed exit to work:4 or so

Minutes late for work:30+

Times I didn't know what the fuck was going on:too many to count

miles will run:9

purposely annoying comments made:3

really good responses to said comments:1

How unimpressed I am with windows
Vista so far: {.......................} that much. its kinda pretty in a cold boring way.

where did part two go?:dunno forgot what it was about prolly about that stupid why I'm hot song.Somebody please gang rape that guy since he's so hot.

Job offers my surprisingly bad spanish ruined:1

insensitive comments made about the virginia tech shooting:0 I'm biting my tongue really hard. My asshole reflex is going crazy.I'm just gonna say leave it alone and let the people deal. There are no good deeds or intentions so keep them to yourself.I'm the Altruist remember? I know these things. and attention encourages those people(mass murderers/potential mass murderers). They're starving for it.So...

bake sales in run down office buildings that no one goes to:1

Times kids jumped up and down shaking the fucking floor:enough to tempt me to sic child predators from the local directory on them.

calls I have to make :1

Times my mom said I was retarded:3

The Drunken Tecumseh fucking off
Smiley thingies attaaaaack!(u):arrow::skull:

So my aunt got a pretty bad diagnosis about a week ago and yesterday her son my cousin calls her after she's just gotten home from a week and a half stay at the hospital to cuss her out over some bitch that she didn't want visiting her. See my cousin is married with 2 kids. But he's abandoned them for some woman who torments them and my aunt doesn't feel its right. so she said she doesn't want the woman in her house. And my cousin takes offense and calls my aunt - his mother up and cusses her out telling her he wishes she dies horribly. But, she's already slated to die sooner rather than later from colon cancer. and I want his blood on my fucking hands. I've known this woman since the day I was born. and this bitch who is supposedly her son calls her with this nonsense when she's alone and hurts her feelings. I was 50 miles away so I couldn't do shit. But, you know this motherfucker gonna be at the funeral crying and carrying on and I don't care this isn't a threat its a promise. I'm gonna beat his ass the second a tear falls onto his cheek.I don't care about much but, I care about her. And I won't stand for this shit.I'm more of son to her than he is. It just pisses me off everyone is hurting over this and he does this. FUCK. He made her cry FUCK. I've got tears in my eyes.FUCK.

What do you do when someone tells you someone you love has weeks to live? I find myself pondering this as I hold an xbox controller in my hand remembering my aunt, who my mother informed me five minutes ago quietly, won’t make it to spring. This morning she was fine. “It’s just a blockage” they said. “She’s going into surgery and she’ll be fine. No sign of the cancer”. I doubted this just because of the trembling hopefulness on their faces and in their voices and ridiculously because I watch way too much scrubs to believe that every hospital visit ends triumphantly. Now it’s “the cancer’s everywhere and we need to prepare ourselves for …”So I sat here staring back at my mom as she waited and I stared wordlessly. And all I can think of are words I wrote weeks ago on that stillbirth of a novel I’m writing “We wake and therefore we must sleep.” But, I’d hoped her sleep would come a lot later. I guess this tests my theory that it all doesn’t matter.

:devil:This is really lame but, I just saw the title of the new Yo la tengo album on amazon and Its awesome. "I'm Not afraid of you and I'll beat your ass" Just too awesome for words but you know this mumble mouthed kid has gotta try. Its totally evocative of a moment when someone thinks they've got your pants browned(been ‎waiting to use this phrase all day) but, you just for once maybe even the first time ever stand up for yourself. It reminds of that moment in my life for sure. I ended up getting my ass kicked but, it's the principle of the thing.:heartbroken:

So I've got the sillies(or atleast the asshole version of the sillies) and I'm gonna banish it to the internet like so. GIRL I NEED YOU TO SHOW ME SOME MOVES!!!
So that astronaut lady can so bounce back from the whole psycho bitch thing yo. Because you know she obviously sucks at being an astronaut. I mean good astronauts are always famous like Sally Ride and Buzz Aldrin.She can be a depends spokesman and help adult bladder control and pants shitting get the respect it doesn't deserve. She could be all like "Sometimes you just gotta shit yourself. Like when I needed to drive 900 hundred miles to whip a bitch's ass. You know I knew that if I stopped to piss or shit that would be precious seconds off of my whipping that bitch's ass with a plastic mallet. Don't let the bathroom stop your life."and then she would pose and stuff yeah.whatevs