i wish i wasn't so shy. i think being shy is what has held be back the most throughout my life. there are so many relationships i could have built, friends i could have made. there have been so many times i wish could have started things over at this poin't in my life, or that point in my life. unfortunately for me, life doesn't work that way. this just seemed to pop in my head when i was reading through someone's blog (i can't even remember who, but that's not the point). this person just so happened to be talking about how long they had been a sg member. and i thought to myself i've been on this site for almost 5 years, and i've only met one person off of the site. this train of thought brought on a question: why do i have such a hard time getting close to people? its so strange because i know a lot of people, but of those people i know, only a choice few are what i would consider friends. maybe i'm being very particular about the relationships i cultivate? i just know that fear is playing its part in the whole scenario.

when i think back to my childhood, i wish i could have been more outgoing. being a person who would love to have children, i started to wonder how do you instill that into a child? i really don't think i had a bad childhood, but my mom did say something to me once that really struck a chord. she said that she wished she had had another child so i wouldn't have been so lonely. she's the sweetest lady in the world, and when she said that to me, it really got to me. kind of like how its getting to me now. i'm not ashamed to admit that i'm pretty sensitive. most boys raised around a lot of women are, but i think people confuse that sensitivity with weakness. anyway, i never realized how much time i spent alone until i started to really thinking about it. i just lived inside my head i guess. i had my toys, books, sketch pad, video games and my imagination.

i would say that i was a pretty creative kid...i guess. but somewhere along between then and now, i lost a part of myself. i stopped being as creative as i had been, and i stopped drawing (which is where i think most of my talent lies) as much. then i just wouldn't draw at all. and i wasn't really picking up books. honest to god, i don't know what happened. it certainly wasn't any type of traumatic event or anything like that. i just seemed to have misplaced a part of myself. i'm sorry but i couldn't think of a better way to put that. now i'm trying to get that part back, but its so hard. imagine seeing yourself as child. i mean how you are right now, and then trying to explain to the younger you that you both are one in the same. how would you go about doing that? what would you say to the child version of you?

what i feel most ashamed about is how i could essentially loose such an important part of myself. i felt really sad about waisting talent. i thought about how its a gift that was given to me. my grandfather was a really great artist. though i had only seen one of his pieces. it was a wood burning of an elephant pushing over a tree. i remember looking at so many times hanging over my dad's bed. and all those times i spent around my grandfather, i had never seen him draw. i just remember one day my dad telling me he had made that wood burning hanging on the wall. i loved my grandfather (unfortunately, he's no longer living), but i feel really sad for him. not just because he's gone, but because he lost a part of himself too. i don't even know if my dad still draws all that often. i suspect he doesn't. but i do remember one time when i was a kid, and a bunch of my family was sitting in the living room. my dad took one of my notepad that i like to draw in, and he just decided to draw my portrait. this was just one of your everday note pad, but the portrait was dead on. and he did it entirely in a black ink pen. i wish i could be half the artist my dad is.

i've spent most of this week off from work, and i've been doing a lot of thinking. mostly about where i've been, and where i want to go. i really feel like i'm starting from scratch. i'm just getting rid of all the bullshit (i.e. the could have beens and the what should have beens). none of that is going to do anything for me. i need to do a lot me-work. yes, i'm a cliche. ugh! but i'm starting to realize that i'm a work in progress. i can do more, and i expect more from myself. being perfect isn't the endgame, perfecting my being is. there is a difference.

so where do i go from here? focusing on what i want. i mean intense focus. immersion. immersion. immersion. i want to be more like that child version of myself. not only do i want to be more like him, but i want to go beyond what he was. there a lots of people who will tell you they've had an extraordinary life. why can't i be like one of those people. i deserve to be happy, and so do you. for fuck's sake this in my life. this ain't a fuckin' dress rehearsal. as far as i know, this is it. if there's an afterlife, that's great. but i don't know for sure that there is. lately, i have been just trying to appreciate the good things about life more. and i've been trying to not let the bad things get to me. i have noticed a difference. i'm not as angry as i use to be. sometimes i use to get so confused about where the anger came from exactly, but i don't really think about it much anymore. i just try to find the positive. thinking first, reacting later. another thing that really helps me is just adding up those good feelings i do get. it can be from a conversation, a look from someone, a piece of music, a line from a book or a movie. anything. i know it probably sounds dumb, but it works for me. so i'm just going to run with it. all in all, i do feel better about my life now than compared to a year ago. i hope i can say the same thing every year.