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29th year

posted : Apr 12, 2017 @ 06:04PM pst

i decided to be impulsive for the first time in a long time. i mean, impulsive in the social sense. it's been well over a year since i've ventured out of the house to do something killer. i picked up a rainbow times the other day, and pride weekend is kicking off this year with a cruise party...that just happens to land on my birthday. i bought me and my bestie tickets, kicking off pride, and my 29th year, right. my bestie says she's gonna hook me up with all the hotties on the boat. haha. 

on that note, i haven't been laid since Nov. an occasional partner invited me to his girlfriend's epic sex party to celebrate her 40th. should i go? a part of me finds it so self-satisfying just to stay home with my cats, but a part of me thinks; is that really helpful? i mean, i went on a date a couple of weeks ago, and i'm not sure i'm ready to date. am i at least ready to sex? at a fucking sex party?! 

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these past few weeks have been increasingly difficult. i'm in the process of being properly diagnosed. i've probably been to the doctor half a dozen times in a month. multiple blood tests. several new medications. several times called out of work. i chalk all of that up to stress/increased depression from being fired. i've completely avoided going back there to drop off stuff. canvassing is only subpar. and only subpar when i only work 2-3 times a week. most days, i nap too much, binge eat/watch Netflix too much, and it's taken me far too long to get through The Circle, by Dave Eggers. 

fuck man, on that note...can we just talk about how this particular dystopian novel hits too many nerves? in terms of technology reducing personal privacy, we're pretty much halfway there to that extreme. i mean, even Brave New World got some parts right. every few pages of The Circle, i almost want to throw it across the room in anger. or, mostly unchecked frustration and fear. 

our cat, Miles, is almost on his way out. my mom hasn't gotten any better. she's been sick for almost two months. 

i don't know how to end this post...

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