DARKNESS_HYDE's journals

"WHAT MATTERS MOST IS HOW WELL YOU WALK THHROUGH THE FIRE."

CHARLES BUKOWSKI

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HOW DO YOU FIND WITHIN YOU THE ENERGY TO CHANGE YOURSELF AFTER THE ENDLESS WORRIES OF DAILY LIFE?

HOW DO YOU FIND THE THE NEED TO CREATE THAT WHICH YOU ARE NOT CERTAIN IT DOES EXIST ?

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"CREATING" ... HOW DOES ANYONE LIVE WITH IT, WHEN AT TIMES IT IS ALL THAT YOU HAVE ? ... ART, PHOTOGRAPHY, POETRY, MUSIC ... EACH ONE LIVES WITHIN ITS OWN POWER TO CHANGE YOU, TO MOVE YOU, TO PUSH YOU, TO AMBRACE YOU, TO CONFRONT YOU, TO DOUBT YOU, TO CREATE YOU AND AT TIMES EVEN TO DESTROY YOU ... YET HERE I AM HOPING FOR MORE OF IT.

I HAVE THOUGHT MANY TIMES THAT LIFE MUST BE EASIER FOR THOSE THAT DO NOT REQUIRE "ART" TO GIVE MEANING TO THEIR LIVES ... AND IF NOT MEANING PERHAPS A PURPOSE ...

ALL THIS PERHAPS WILL BE HARD FOR ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND IF YOU DO NOT SHARE A SIMILAR SOUL THAT MIGHT HEAR THE SAME WHISPERING OF THAT HAUNTING MUSE ... BUT YOU OUGHT TO TAKE MY WORD ... IT IS NOT EASY AT ALL.

YET NOT EVER HAVE I EVER WISHED NOT TO LIVE WITH IT. AFTER ALL: HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT IT, IF I HAVE NEVER KNOW HOW NOT TO LIVE WITH IT ?

WHAT SHOULD I DO? KEEP TRYING ... UNTIL MY VERY LAST DYING WISH

DO I HAVE DOUBTS? ... PERHAPS ... I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WHEN EVER I GOT TO BE MY AGE I WOULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH MORE WITH MY GIFTS ...

DO I FEAR GETTING OLD? ... NOT REALLY I THINK THAT GETTING "OLDER" HAS GIVEN ME THE TOOLS TO CARE ABOUT THINGS DIFFERENTLY, AND MAYBE EVEN BE MORE PASSIONATE ABOUT OTHER THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT OF SUCH AS PHOTOGRAPHY, OR LATELY EVEN DESIGNING CLOTHES ...

PERHAPS WITH ENOUGH TIME, ONE DAY I WILL SEE FOR SURE THAT THE SUM OF ALL MY HOPES WAS SIMPLY THE SUM OF ALL MY GIFTS. SORT LIKE CLIMBING A VERY LONG LADDER INTO MY OWN DESTINY.

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CHERISH YOUR VISIONS. CHERISH YOUR IDEALS. CHERISH YOUR THE MUSIC THAT STIRS IN YOUR HEART, THE BEAUTY THAT FORMS IN YOUR MIND, THE LOVELINESS THAT DRAPES YOUR PUREST THOUGHTS, FOR OUT OF THEM WILL GROW ALL DELIGHTFUL CONDITIONS, ALL HEAVENLY ENVIRONMENT, OF THESE, IF YOU BUT REMAIN TRUE TO THEM YOUR WORLD WILL AT LAST BE BUILT.

JAMES ALLEN

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I HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH SINCE I DECIDED TO TAKE THIS PATH THAT I'M GLAD I HAVE QUESTIONED MYSELF SO MUCH ALONG THE WAY, AND THUS NEARLY AS JAMES ALLEN SAID, HEAVENLY DOING MANY THINGS THAT WITHOUT A DOUBT WILL KEEP ME BUSY BUILDING PLENTY MORE.

"ART WASHES AWAY FROM THE SOUL THE DUST

OF EVERY DAY LIFE."

PABLO PICASSO

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I GUESS MY OWN SENSE OF HUMOR GETS THE BEST OUT OF ME BY LAUGHING AT PEOPLE FROM TIME TO TIME, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DARE TELL ME THAT JUST BECAUSE I CONSIDER MYSELF AN ARTIST "ALL" SHOULD COME EASY TO ME, JUST BECAUSE I HAVE "THAT GIFT" ... I WISH ...

I WISH THAT AT TIMES I COULD JUST OPEN THAT BOOK OF MY OWN MIND TO SET FREE THE THOUGHT OF MAKING SOMETHING GREAT; "SIMPLY BECAUSE I'M ABLE TO DO SO".

THUS IF YOU IN PARTICULAR "CREATE" PRETTY MUCH THE SAME WAY THAT I DO ... YOU MIGHT UNDERSTAND THIS MORE THAN ANYONE OUT THERE ... ONLY IF THEY COULD KNOW, RIGHT? ... IT IS NOT AS EASY AS MOST MIGHT THINK.

THE SO CALLED "PROSSES" IT IS A COMPLICATED ONE YET VERY EVASIVE AT TIMES; A COMPLETE TASK ALL TOGETHER IF SO I MIGHT ADD ...

I GUESS MY PRIMARY GOAL FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS IT IS SIMPLY TO KEEP MYSELF OCCUPIED WITH ANY OPPORTUNITY I CAN REACH WITH MY ABILITIES.

"YESTERDAY I LOVED, TODAY I SUFFER,

TOMORROW I DIE: BUT I STILL THINK FONDLY,

TODAY AND TOMMOROW,

OF YESTERDAY."


G. E. LESSING

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HAVE I FORGOTTEN WHERE ALL BEGAN ? OR WHERE I ALWAYS WANTED TO GO ? ... NEVER.

HAVE I SEEN MY OWN REFLECTION AND WONDERED IF MY SHADOW IT IS HAPPY TO BE PART OF ME? ... PERHAPS.

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SINCE I WAS LITTLE I HAD SUCH GREAT HOPES FROM PEOPLE, NOT ONLY FOR MY SAKE BUT FOR THEIRS … REMINDING ME WITH SUCH A BIG SMILE: "MAYBE ONE DAY YOU WILL BE FAMOUS AND I WILL HAVE THIS DRAWING WITH YOUR SIGNATURE ON IT … I WILL MAKE SURE TO HOLD ON TO IT"


WELL THAT PERSON I ONCE WAS, STILL LINGERS TRYING TO ENCORAGE ME OF NEVER GIVING UP … I GUESS THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES I USED TO HEAR THAT VOICE VERY CLEARLY ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD … TODAY IT IS LIKE A WHISPER, NOT BECAUSE I HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT OR AS IF I GREW TIRED OF IT, BUT IT DOES NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT AT ALL.


MAYBE I JUST ALLOWED PEOPLE VOICES TO ECHO IN MY MIND TO TAKE THAT IMPULSE AND THAT ENERGY OUT OF MYSELF, BY ALLOWING THEM TO TELL ME THAT MAYBE I SHOULD BE REALISTIC AND DO MORE WITH MY LIFE AS IF I WAS ASKING THEM FOR PERMISSION … SUCH A WASTE ON TIME. I GAVE UP INTO THEIR OWN MENTALITY THEN … BUT I REALIZE HOW SAD LIFE MUST BE FOR SOMEONE WITHOUT DREAMS; AND OFCOURSE I DO NOT SAY THIS BECAUSE OF THOSE PEOPLE BUT FOR MY OWN SAKE … A REMINDER AND A PERSONAL NOTE FOR MY OWN SOUL, TIRED OF TRYING TO LIVE BY OTHER PEOPLES EXPECTATIONS.


PERHAPS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT SADDENS ME THE MOST, IS THAT IF I LOOK BACK ON TO MY OLD DRAWINGS, I SEE THAT FIRE, THAT NEED, THAT LIFE AND EVEN DOUBT ... AS IF I STRANGER TOOK A HOLD OF MY SOUL AND USED MY TALENT TO CREATE SUCH BEAUTIFUL THINGS WITOUT BEING ABLE TO BE CERTAIN AS IF IT WAS A DREAM.



ROBED OF THAT POSSIBLITY OF LEAVING A SMALL MARK OF THE BOOK OF TIME OR AT LEAST A FOOT NOTE SAYING … "HE SPENT MOST OF HIS LIFE BEING AN ARTIST, WHILE THE REST … HE WASTED.


DARKNESS_HYDE

I HAVE LEFT WORK AND WITHOUT A QUESTION I HAVE BEEN LIBERATED OF THIS WORLD, I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT THESE FEW MONTHS HOLD FOR ME ... BUT I'M SURE I WILL KEEP THE FOLLOWING ON MY MIND:

But if a person has had the sense of the Call -- the feeling that there's an adventure for him -- and if he doesn't follow that, but remains in the society because it's safe and secure, then life dries up. And then he comes to that condition in late middle age: he's gotten to the top of the ladder, and found that it's against the wrong wall.

If you have the guts to follow the risk, however, life opens, opens, and opens up all along the line. I'm not superstitious, but I do believe in spiritual magic, you might say. I feel that if one follows what I call one's "bliss" -- the thing that really gets you deep in your gut and that you feel is your life -- doors will open up. They do! They have in my life and they have in many lives that I know of.

…When you are at a certain age…and look back over your life, it seems to be almost as orderly as a composed novel. And just as in Dickens' novels, little accidental meetings and so forth turn out to be main features in the plot, so in your life. And what seem to have been mistakes at the time turn out to be directive crises…

Life seems as though it were planned; and there is something in us that's causing what you hear of as being accident prone: it's something in ourselves. There is a mystery here… Can anything happen to you for which you're not ready? I look back now on certain things that at the time seemed to be real disasters, but the results turned out to be the structuring of a really great aspect of my life and career. So what can you say?

And the other point is, if you follow your bliss, you'll have your bliss, whether you have money or not. If you follow money, you may lose money, and then you don't have even that. The secure way is really the insecure way and the way in which the richness of the quest accumulates is the right way.

Joseph Campbell From "An Open Life" by Michael Toms. © 1989 by the New Dimensions Foundation. Published by Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc., ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022. [Interview]

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I HAD FORSAKEN MY OWN ABILITY

TO KNOW MYSELF LONG AGO,

YET MY NAME IS NOT AS MY OWN

AND NO LONGER THE SAME,

THE MUNDANE WORLD HAS TAKEN

THE LIGHT OF MY THOUGHS

AND THE THINGS I ONCE CALLED GIFTS,

ARE LIKE BROKEN SORES AND REMINDERS

OF THINGS THAT ONCE GAVE SO MUCH TO LIFE.

I HAVE LIVED LIKE A SHADOW FAR TOO LONG

AND ALMOST DIED LIKE AN ORPHAN,

IF IT WERE NOT FOR MY DREAMS

THAT HAVE COME TO ILLUMINATE MY DARK STEPS,

ONLY TO MAKE ME BELIEVE THAT LIFE IT IS MORE

THAN THE SUM OF LIVING,

BECAUSE LIVING DAY BY DAY

IS NO LONGER DREAMING.

DARKNESS HYDE

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I HAVE QUIT MY JOB AND WHILE TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF IT I HAVE FOUND A LITTLE PIECE OF MYSELF I WAS SO AFRAID I HAVE MISSED, EVEN A POEM TO COMPLIMENT MY BLISS !!!!

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT, OF AFTER ALL THIS TIME WITHOUT WRITING I FEEL LIKE A POET AGAIN !!!!

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I HAD THE OPORTUNITY TO TRAVEL WITH ALL THE EXPENSSES PAID BECAUSE OF WORK BUT WHAT CAN I SAY IT IS NOT AS EXCITING AS I WANTED IT TO ... I'M FREZZYNG MY ASS OFF AND I'M JUST BORE WITH THE FACT THAT THERE IS NOT MUCH TO DO HERE AND WORK IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

BAD NEWS IS THAT I WILL BE BACK HOME BY THE SIXTEEN OF THIS MONTH ... I'M SO BORED .......

SOMEBODY SAVE ME .... PLEASE !!!!

 YES, I'M STILL VERY HAPPY WITH THE FACT THAT I LOVE THIS PLACE SO MUCH !!!!

GODS GIRLS RULE MY WORLD !!!!

XOXO

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