Coagulate

so i went to the dentist for the first time in seven years today.



i was dreading it. expecting horrible horrible things.



i thought i had a bunch of chipped teeth.



i thought my ice chewing actually hurt me.



i thought alot of things.



turns out all wrong.



my teeth are in perfect health, without a single cavity.



also i was worried about my wisdom teeth suddenly coming in and put me further into debt.



well it turns out im a freak of nature, because i was only born with one wisdom tooth. and my dentist said it will likely NEVER be a problem

score.

hopes...dreams... everything that could fall by the wayside.   too many nights spent letting my mind wander.  i spend too much of my day in fantasy.  my daydreams pull me out of the world far too often;  to the point that it hinders my work and relationships with others. 

i justify it by saying that its easier there.  strangers dont judge and all the lovely ones' smiles always fall on me.   its far more comfortable than the life im living.  but i realize that ill never be anything worthwhile until i can get out of my own head.   this comfy prison ive made for myself is as fragile as rice paper but im terrified to touch the walls. 

there are so many things i want;  a life beyond merely going out and getting hammered,  some love and comfort to ease the stresses in my mind.  but ultimately i need to purge the demons of anxiety and doubt to finish the 60 bazillion projects i have laying around that i hide to ensure no one will ever see them. 

its difficult to become a successful writer when you wont let anyone read your work for fear of critique.  

my confidence is shot, and i need some relief.   i think im going to try seeing a counselor or a head doc.   maybe that can help purge some demons.

strange that for as down as all this may seem im actually in a rather good mood at the moment.  merely very introspective. 

i need to stop trying to impress others, ultimately they dont matter anyhow.   i need to find some worth.  some strength and whathaveyou  to build myself a more hopeful guise.  

i need to take control and stop waiting for things to happen and make them happen.  waiting and hoping for some shining thing to kindly to me has never worked.  having hope is one thing, but we make our own luck.  and my factory has been manufacturing shit for the past 25 years.

i play the part of someone of a cheery sort.  mostly its forced because hardly anyone cares to listen to someones problems.  thats whats nice about blogs and such;  those who wish to read can.  those that dont care can scurry off.   but it just means i bottle everything and let it spurge here or on myspace or LJ etc. etc.

but im tired of merely playing a cheery character, i want to be all sunshine and lollipops for real...

taking stock in ones life is a good thing especially when the person still has some dignity.  and it sure feels like i do

sorry for the babbling. 

hopefully someday soon i wont have to worry about writing blogs like this.

ive got my four leaf clover just in case.

-Jacob

 

 

 

also i find this incredibly creepy...

 

 

so i got lazy last friday and didnt shave.  assuming i was going to do it the next day.  well i didnt; laziness strikes again.  so i decided to let it ride for a few days to see about maybe growing a full on beard.  i made it two weeks before i almost itched my face off.

i shaved today it feels sooo much better to be clean shaven.

but anywho heres a couple pics of my feeble beard.

sorry about the sizing.  i didnt realize how off they were until now.  but oh well i dont particularly care all that much.

 

 

so yesterday was rather shitty.

i wake up only to have to deal with an uppity garbage man that wouldnt move his truck.  my jeep was blocked in making me super late for work.

and then since i worked a bit later than usual i didnt feel like cooking myself dinner so i stopped and got something.

i am regretting choosing taco bell for dinner last night because it isnt agreeing with me at all.

first thing i did this morning was vomit.

so naturally i blame that damn garbage man for setting in motion this series of events.

ima gonna go lay down.

this is entertaining at least

 

 

 

 

oh man im ridiculously tired and dehydrated.



this was a long, yet wholly awesome weekend.



fri was spent drinking at a friend's house. we played a board game named "brandyland" which was rather neato; except for the fact that i kept landing on the square that said "you're ugly and no one will ever love you." but no worries i shanked that whore when no one was looking. icouldn't stay out all that late because i was going the the RENAISSANCE FAIR!!!! in the morning.



drank too much even though i got home early, so when i woke up in the morning i had a slight hangover, though i killed that at the renfair.



it may sound geeky, may make me a loser, but i friggin love the renfair. i dont dress up in a costume or anything because i dont have the money for the fancy clothes. which are retarded-ly expensive. yet i still enjoy the hell out of some renfair.



got there around noon, i napped in the car. first thing i did was make a b-line the the bier vendor. nice cold pint o guiness, then to the sausage dewd to get my favorite thing at the renfair. the half-pound sausage on a kaiser roll. oh man its heaven in sausage form. though since its so damn big i have yet to finish one. ..



wandered the fair for a couple hours, drank, chain-smoked admired saucey wenches from afar. the weather was perfect. i meant to bring my camera but i forgot to charge it, because im a fucktard



when i got home i was significantly buzzed, so i took a nap to recharge for the birthday party at the HiV for 3 of my closest friends. got there around 11. talked to my friend thats the head DJ at the HiV about maybe getting into the whole DJ thang. i dont want anything main hour, because the music i would play isnt necessarily dancey. i want the opening hour to play some more low key tunes just to let people ease into the heavier stuff played later in the night. the goal is for people to come in get their first drink say hi to people socialize for the hour or so with my set in the background to create atmosphere, then by the time my set is up they will be ready to dance their asses off the rest of the night. my friend liked the idea so i might be getting a trial run here in the coming weeks.



the HiV has become my primary hang out spot since columbus's goth bar, Outland, shut down. saturdays the whole outland crowd gets their goth/industrial night, lovingly named "Church". the HiV is a fraction of the size of outland making for a claustrophobic dancefloor, but the thing it has over outland is the fact that the smoking patio is gargantuan!. which i love because im not much of a dancer, unless pretty girls pull me onto the floor of course, so usually spend my nights at the HiV chain smoking and being a social butterfly. i love meeting new people, and i like to talk. so it goes hand in hand.



anywho...back to satuday, after the bar went to my friends after party.



chatted up a cute miss, who is french. man o man do i love a girl with an accent. hell the girl i lost my virginity to was german. she spoke in german while we were in the heat of things. and dear lord it was amazingly hot. i miss her...hehe.



my friend convinced me to shotgun a beer with him before he walked home. so as the clock rolled over to 7am with the party still in full swing i shotgun that damn beer. which was the final nail in my coffin. i woke up on my friends couch at 4 in the afternoon. instantly remembering who my friends are i ran to the closest mirror to see what was written on me, and who i was going to have to skin alive. luckily; either out of respect for me or from severe intoxication/laziness, there was nothing written on my face. got home then vegitated all day by playing Shadowrun on the SNES .



another work week, hmmm i really need to finish my novel and get published. this whole 9-5 reponsible office job shit is really getting annoying.
















enjoy!

 elbows & anal grease

-jacob