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My family was on their way back from vacation. I couldn't go due to probation. I have three siblings, Jake " Flatty " -17, Britt-9, and Gabriel-2 1/2 ( why mother gave us all one syllable names except for the newest addition is beyond me) Anyways, my mother called to inform me that Gabriel said " Not Gabriel Max, mommy. Gabriel Batman." The irony in that is just insane. Not only are we the only two siblings that share a resemblance ( he's much better looking) but we're both Batman fans!

One of my fondest memories of being a child, one that makes me feel something I can't even really explain, was when I was 6 or 7. I was in full Batman garb running around saving various dinosaurs, ninja turtles and Dick Tracy action figures when I asked my mother if I could be Batman when I grew up. She replied " Of course John, you can be anything you can dream of." I don't know how I can remember that with all of the damage I've done to my brain, but I do and always will. She has always had that attitude with all of us kids. When I was 16 or 17 I decided I didn't want to go to college. I wanted to go to Amsterdam, open a cafe' and win four cannabis cups in a row. That year for my birthday my MOTHER bought me an amazing bowl, a book and dvd on how to speak Dutch, and a tour guide of Europe. Rebellion was never really an option. When I was 11 I decided I was an Anarchist and wasn't doing any chores, Friday came and I went to collect allowance. My mother said I had inspired her to be an Anarchist and she wasn't paying shit. She's got a way of teaching you great life lessons without the whole " this is how it is" bit... it just comes across.She has always been there to encourage and help me do what ever I thought I may want to pursue career or school wise. My mother is the best I could ever ask for, she listens when I need an ear so my friends don't think I'm a pussy, she knows just what to do in every situation to make me feel better, she gives the BEST advice ever, and loves all of us completely unconditionally. I'm incredibly thankful that she is young, and in excellent health. It's hard to imagine life without her. No matter how strung out I've been, or what I've done, she accepts me into her home and arms. Re-assures me that everything will be okay, makes my favorite coffee and listens.

I miss living with the family quite a bit at times, and I know they miss me. It's such a diverse house hold. Mother making falafels, dancing and listening to Morris Day in the kitchen, Flatty playing piano in the living room, Britt watching Hannah Montana in her room scheming a way to get money out of mom, and Gabriel taking his clothes off, only to put them back on backwards.... then joining mom in food prep and dance. My mother and siblings have been the only constantly great thing I've ever had. None of them understand why I don't just stay with them. Times like right now I long so deeply to just smell the house, and feel that overwhelming sensation of comfort and safety. When I actually live there though I feel like a black cloud bringing down the mood. I never completely understand why I get so bummed. I can fake smiles all day to my mother, but she's mom... she knows. I worry sometimes that my siblings may think I don't like them or something. I tell them I love them every time I see or talk to them, but the two little ones always ask why I don't stay there anymore. I just tell them it's part of growing up.... Britt, even though she's nine, I think knows I'm far from growing up. She's a witty little shit. Flatty and I are really close, he knows I just don't like the world, and occasionally confuse that fact with hating life itself. I've explained to him I just don't like bringing the unit down. I don't ever want them to feel the things I feel. Not to mention I am 21 and currently not in school. I hate being the dude at his mom's.... not that the dude at his aunt's is much better, but it feels like I'm making more of an effort when I'm here. I rant entirely too much.