HOROSCOPES
by deepelem
Aries: Lynrd Skynrd said "Tuesday's Gone". The Violent Femmes said "Gone, Daddy Gone". Nothing this poetic applies to you. Your life is more like The Dead Milkmen's "Takin' Retards to the Zoo".
Taurus: You had a mid-life crisis in your early teens. You're now in your twenties. You do the math.
Gemini: You are named "the godfather of grunge". No, not the good grunge; that's Neil Young. The icky kind. Stop kidding yourself.
Cancer: Your band finally receives some much-deserved notoriety. You are known as the band that is responsible for people not wanting to pay for music anymore.
Leo: This week you find out that in former lives you were a leper, a plague carrier and Vlad the impaler. So relatively speaking, your current status as a Britney Spears fan is a step up. A very small one.
Virgo: Your attempt to impress your date by taking them to one of those michelin places fails when you end up at a Tires Plus. On the plus side, the coffee was free.
Libra: You are disappointed when Anacron writes a song about you and it sucks. Consider the source of the inspiration, though.
Scorpio: Your significant other takes a cue from anonymous after getting angry with you. You are subjected to a "denial of service" attack, so to speak.
Sagittarius: You are a child of the universe. No less than the trees and...wait. Nevermind. You're more like one of those problem children and the universe wants to send you to one of those adolescent bootcamps.
Capricorn: Your friends can't decide which is more disturbing: Your support of Hillary's candidancy, or your desire to see her naked. Tell them at least you don't feel the same way for McCain.
Aquarius: You become a star this week. It's not the kind you wanted though. You become a huge ball of flaming gas. And everyone told you going vegan would be good for you. pffft.
Pisces: You are stalked and inevitably killed by an on-line stalker. Not to worry, though. He'll take pictures of your corpse, make banners of them to put on his MySpace and you will have an immortality of sorts.
:: previous weeks may be found in the archives::
