GodsGirl : julene > journals > reading "calling it home."

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calling it home. posted : 01/03/09 at 01:13pm pst listening to:lucero: "widow dickenson's dirge"

i've been super bummed since before christmas, and i am trying to make that better. the holiday season has this tendency to bum me out over the lack of a serious dude in my life and the fact that i've accidentally distanced myself from most of my friends in a fit of hermit-ness. i picked up a copy of this book i read a lot through high school, dangerous angels by francesca lia block. she made me fall in love with LA when i was 13 and had never laid eyes on the city. she talked about the bagels at canter's, marilyn monroe's star on hollywood blvd and the fact that in the valley somewhere are both houdini and jim morrison's houses. it was the places she talked about that don't exist anymore like the tick tock tea room and all the mentions of the scent jacarenda blossoms (which i still can't identify). so i fell in love with this city ten years ago, moved here and now i feel at odds with myself.

it's very easy to come here and find yourself for a short period before you get lost again, i think. i look at myself differently now than i did when i first came here, sometimes in a good way and other times not so much. i look different--i think my face changed. maybe i'm finishing puberty? i drink less but smoke more weed; i know where i stand with every single friend but keep coming up short in other departments concerning relationships. i started wearing leggings this year--do you know how long i resisted this trend? i still don't wear perfume. i know how to apply my makeup in not one, but TWO ways without fucking it up.

i guess what i'm trying to say is i feel like i've finally grown into myself, and that frightens me. i don't feel like i have no idea what to do with myself, i can socialize and meet new people and have the life i want from the ground up. i know living here has a lot to do with that. sometimes i just wish i wasn't constantly feeling so alone.

 

Viewing 37 comments on this page

BrokenPath
01/03/09 01:19pm pst

:(

That sucks,  but I am gald you feel you're growing into yourself, that was for me at lest, a very, very rewarding feeling.

Cheer up, you may have missed this:

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/gAysoGQR8DWEFXMN#/owner/gAysoGQR8DWEFXMN

 

:D
 

Nate.

acthulhuspawn
01/03/09 01:35pm pst

For what it's worth, I think you are a truly amazing person. And super beautiful. I'm also pretty sure it's only a (short) matter of time before you find someone special.

Julene
01/03/09 06:17pm pst

thank you darling <3

Lily
01/03/09 01:46pm pst

I have read that book at least 15 times.  Shes my fave.

Julene
01/03/09 06:16pm pst

are you familiar with any of her other stuff?

Lily
01/04/09 12:53pm pst

I am really really into her and have almost her books.  I got into her by getting I Was a Teenage Fairy from my library.  Necklace of Kisses was really good.  I like Weetzie.

Lily
01/06/09 12:51pm pst

Hey!  hey!  Look at this member's name!  ->http://www.godsgirls.com/girls/loveisthedrug

CassandraAnne
01/03/09 02:01pm pst

 it's very easy to come here and find yourself for a short period before you get lost again, i think.

That's exactly what my experience in LA was like. It makes me dizzy thinking about it. I'm glad I'm out though, it does get to be too much. Especially to concentrate on yourself with all the bullshit in that city.

It's not all bad though... you learn to take the good with the bad.

<3

Elliott
01/03/09 02:03pm pst

I think its kewl to be self aware.
A lot of ppl would envy that.
You have grown into an awesome/beautiful person,
so you have nothing to worry about there.

I am sorry to hear that you feel alone though,
and I hope a virtual hug will help you just a little atleast. :)
 

xoxo

iconoclasm13
01/03/09 02:18pm pst

I can relate to you all too well on this one...  Including the change of face, ha.  In my case I'm not sure if it's finishing up puberty or just weight gain though :P

Seriously though...  I feel disconnected from just about everyone, and I only moved an hour away from home.  There's a party tonight that my old friends really want me to go to, but I can't even bring myself to do it because I don't know how to relate to them anymore and the idea just bums me out.

I'm sure you'll find yourself again soon.  I think part of growing into yourself is losing your bearings for a little while until you can grow accustomed to the changes.  Most likely, as abruptly as you realized that you realized that so much about you has changed, you'll suddenly feel completely at home in the new you and everything else will follow suit.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I hope I'm not.

RobbyDigital
01/03/09 02:20pm pst

if it wasn't for change, life would be very, very  boring.  For the most part i always see change as a good thing and would like to believe there is a reason behind it all.

Only a matter of time before you find that dood you're looking for so cheer up Capt.  aiiight!?

Annaliese
01/03/09 02:59pm pst

i ALWAYS feel really fucking lonely this time of year. i think i find it somewhat comforting that you do too and i guess that is totally selfish. it gives me some hope that this is just a seasonal phase thingy.

Julene
01/03/09 06:10pm pst

i was just wondering if it was selfish of me to be kinda glad you get that way too, considering you have andrew in your life. so maybe a boyfriend wouldn't really make me feel less alone?

let's go get drunk on whiskey and pee on some sidewalks.

Annaliese
01/03/09 09:03pm pst

i dont think that loneliness always has everything to do with being alone or not alone. i just dont understand myself right now so i feel like i cant relate to anyone and therefore i feel lonely. i am withdrawn into myself lately and thinking a lot about my life. i am now convinced that this is a seasonal thing and feel soooo relieved.

Annaliese
01/03/09 09:05pm pst

and yes i love whisky pee!

Eden
01/03/09 03:04pm pst

meh sometimes I hate LA. I have felt kinda blue lately too... so I know were you are coming from...but I'm sorry you are sad.

I like leggings you should give your self some sweet camel toe, and then take some pics lol.

Also you should come see a movie with me..please? xoxoxo

Julene
01/03/09 06:09pm pst

girls date night please? do you still have my number?

 

i want to see that mouse movie. or valkylrie (sp?) or... something. anything really, as long  as it's with you. <3

Charlie
01/03/09 03:18pm pst

you, like me, always feel very alon, but in reality you have so many people who adore you and just want your time.

maybe your new years resolution should be to give that time, as well as patience to a few people in your life. you might find you get out more and have a lot more fun. :)

Julene
01/03/09 06:15pm pst

i have an extra ticket for tsunami bomb. wanna go with me?

Charlie
01/04/09 02:47pm pst

uhm...YES.

in reality i cant, but i just wet myself a little cause you asked me! i origionaly had tickets and i gave them away to a friend cause she was ready to jump off a bridge for them. then i found out i have to go to the airmans ball that weekend with my mom, and that i will haz no monies till after the 22nd either. :(

now im extra bummed cause of all people i would have wanted to go with you the most. D:

how are you getting there?

Julene
01/04/09 03:34pm pst

well i was planning on driving up and then... driving back?


Charlie
01/04/09 06:32pm pst

shit dude, thats a long as fuck drive!

i figured you would take the train or something.

MrWiggly
01/03/09 03:22pm pst

Hopefully the bummed feeling will pass. I blame it on all the retarded build up by the stores and media, its just an assault on the sences. I felt a sence of relief after the ball dropped the other night, that the chaotic mess is over for now and its time to plow ahead and do something to make yourself happy. 

 

 

Stacey-Beth
01/03/09 03:58pm pst

Yeah, like Annaliese said, it's totally how everyone feels this time of year and it's fucking stupid.

"the holiday season has this tendency to bum me out over the lack of a serious dude in my life and the fact that i've accidentally distanced myself from most of my friends in a fit of hermit-ness."

I'm doing the exact same thing.  I think it's really good to do that sometimes.  It makes me "discover" more about myself that I never have before.  Even though it's a little lonely.  It's kind of helpful.

 

<3
 

Eastyn
01/03/09 06:39pm pst

LEGGINGS?!

I should remind you of something:

julene: Gah I hate scenesters
julene: There's so many of them at this internet cafe
julene: All the damn time
julene: I just want to cut off their stubby little pigtails
eastyn: Oh god DO NOT get me started. I want to kick all of them.
eastyn: ALL OF THEM
eastyn: I want to rip out chunks of their hair by hand so that they learn to never do it again. And I wanna tear out those piercings by hand as well. Like. COME ON PLEASE. Get some of your own self out there
julene: And the shirt-dresses
julene: with jeans underneath
eastyn: gag
eastyn: gag
eastyn: UGH
julene: Or those fucking capri tight things

 

;) just givin' you a rough time!

Julene
01/03/09 07:10pm pst

ohhhhh how this mighty awesomeness has fallen. * hangs head in shame*

fuzzy40
01/03/09 08:03pm pst

I have a huge family and there is the rush of having them all together.  But after there is this huge hole.  I know a few people who are blissfully happy this time of year but I am not one of them.

MojoJunkie
01/04/09 12:31am pst

 I have been on this site for almost a year.I really never read any of your journals. Shit I haven't even made a attempt to talk with you. Just want to say you look really beautiful in your display pic.

Julene
01/04/09 03:36pm pst

thank you :)

Jenna
01/04/09 01:30pm pst

you can come cuddle with william and i in my big bed.

Hai
01/06/09 03:24am pst

That is funny, I wasa obsessed with her books when I was a teenager too and also carried a torch for Southern California. It's subsided. Missing Angel Juan was my first and it blew me away, I felt like someone was finally speaking my language. Weetzie was my soul mate- angsty with big gothy black hair and a thing for cholos. For some reason I have a hard time finding those older books.

Big cities can be so alienating, overstimulating, causing you to withdraw so the city spins on around you, but you are detached. Hopefully it is the natural winter-time hibernation blues and will pass into something more satisfying.

 

Alice
01/06/09 07:03pm pst

all i can say, is you're totally amazing :).

FLIPZ5
01/09/09 10:09pm pst

this is completely unrelated to your journal, i do hope you're feeling better tho'

but,

your dinosaur face is fukkin awesome!

hasn't lost any of its magic, not one bit.

Julene
01/10/09 06:00pm pst

hahah thank you :)

tylerbrennan
01/10/09 10:04am pst

you were cursed at 13 when LA became your dreamland.

 

most perfume is obnoxious smelling. i'm sure deodorant equipped Julene smells lovely enough.

"sometimes i just wish i wasn't constantly feeling so alone."

through our collective struggle and emotion we all experience in life, we can relate and confide with one another.

 

if i had 1,000s of women/men wanting to suck on my tits i don't think i would feel quite so alone :):):) know that we all luff you!

 

Julene
01/10/09 06:05pm pst

growing up i was a pretty lonely kid, and LA always sounded like the only place i could possibly find a like-minded group of friends (which i have). i don't want to grow old in LA but it'll really take a lot for me to find a reason to leave.

 

<33 thank you.

tylerbrennan
01/11/09 06:46am pst

well you've found your reasons to stay in LA and eventually you will find your reasons to leave.

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