GodsGirl : Stefa > journals > reading "Preview #2 & model dilemma "back to the profile of Stefa
I don't know if other girls have experienced this when it comes to model related stuff but I lack motivation. I go through phases of 5 shoots a month to none for a year. I signed with Spirit Model Management early last year and since then I've got really REALLY lazy.
They've put me through to auditions a couple times but each time the client cancelled the shoot/vid auditions which I totally get - that happens and can't be helped but It's left me kinda bumed. I'd get really excited about it, prepare for days and even post about it then get a 'canceled' email and i feel like a right knob end posting about it and getting excited. Obviously this is just one of those things in that line of work and I've learnt to not get ahead of myself, I'd wait until I have a job booked before I open my trap.
I've been doing TF for 6 years on and off, at times I'd really push my self out there and book a load of shoots... then I'd flake off. I never let photographers down and I'm super quick at replying but I'm lazy as hell now.
I have social anxiety disorder, though you wouldn't notice it if you met me. I hide it pretty well though in my mind I'm super super anxious around new folks which I think contributed to my stop-start potential modeling life.
I clam up on shoots sometimes, especially if I'm in something awkward and uncomfortable; strangely when I'm nude it's the complete opposite. I'm far more comfortable in my own skin than clothing haha. Logically it would make more sense to go for nude shoots with photographers, but I'm very warious of who I'd shoot with. I've only been shot by male photographers and on most occasions they've been lovely and make me feel comfortable but there has been times where I've felt comments were not 'professional'.
Photographers have said 'sexy' or something else around those lines which most times sounds fine and is in line with whats going on and 'professional'; but there has been times where it's made be feel uneasy and 'cheap' (even though they're clothed shoots!). Because of my anxiety with people I analyse everything said/going on to a T. I'm incredibly aware of my surrounding so I can easily be thrown off by something untoward.
Something which really holds me back is the 'chaperone' thing (no idea how you spell it). If your working as a professional model you can't bring a friend along to a shoot as it looks totally unprofessional, and I feel hesitant to even ask TF photographers if I can bring a friend along because of this. Bringing to my point - nude shoots - no idea how I'd do that, I'd love to do it but I'm scared shitless of getting another GWC. There's a photographer I've shot with a couple of times who is professional and a lovely person so I could ask him to do it, but I can't stay with one photographer forever.
I feel like I have so much to give and go mental on shoot days but my anxiety can play up and I get stiff. It's really frustrating that I can't just 'let go' and if I was to start looking for paid shoots I have to be fully 'loose' and give them their moneys worth and then some. I don't know if I should quit trying, the only way to get anywhere is to self-promote like crazy and approach photographers. but I'm a clam. You get exp by shooting with randoms off model portfolio sites but I'm scared I'll get more GWCs (that means 'guys with cameras'; dudes who use photography approach girls/see them naked if you didn't know!)... its different shooting with professionals and being booked through agencies but I can't get the coverage without seeking randoms.
Such a jar! I LOVE GG though, you get to know each other and shoot yourself on most occasions so you have absolute freedom which is exactly what I need. The DIYs I've shot could be shot a lot better but it's all learning and will only get better from practice. I plan on focusing exclusively on GG for now and who knows, my confidence may increase and I can start seeking stuff out elsewhere.
Long arse word-y blog ends here. I'm going to start making these more 'picturific' and pleasing on the eye in future. Hate to bore with mass chunks of text.
Now for set 2 preview! I've 2 more left to preview and will show on subsequent blogs. I fucking hate repeating this but ID is still absent, it took 2 months just to get the counter signatory done as my lecturer was off sick with my form for LONG. It will be soon though I promise promise promise!
April is the month I can feel it in my face