Numa

so its saturday night and im home alone. i was invited to go to a friends house tonight with my boyfriend but i stayed behind to clean my room. cuz im lame. but i really didnt want to go that badly. i just dont feel like it. i just dont feel like anything these days. i just want to be by myslef. but then i get lonely.

im lame. but ya i got side tracked from cleaning and started watching a movie and fell asleep. i had a dream about my ex. a sex dream. it was hot. i have actually had a few dreams about him. see we were just kids when we were dating and we never slept with eachother. and so now i just have wet dreams about what i think it would have been like. we met up again a few years later and had a drunken makeout session. it was awesome. but nothing more happened. and its driving me nuts. if me and my boyfriend ever break up i will probably sleep with my ex. just to get it out of my system.

im mean, i love my boyfriend so much but we have been together for over 2 and a half years and we live together and sometimes i fantasize about other guys when i am home alone with my buzz buddy. is that wronge? cuz he jerks it to other woman all the time, but i jerk off to the thought of my ex. but i would never cheat on him. i still feel guilty.

but only for a second. haha.

the worst thing just happened to me like an hour ago. i cant stop crying. well i got off of work and caught the bus. i have to catch two busses to get home and the second one was really late. so i was pissed off.

when i got off the bus i just wanted to hurry up and get home so i can relax. well i walked by my neighbors house. i have never met them but i have met their puppy a few times. even plotted to steal it since it was so freaking cute(a little boxer). but i could never steal someones dog. he is so sweet and so friendly. i would have gone over to pet him but i was across the street. he was in the front yard of the house with no leash.

the weather was so nice today, it was super cloudy and raining so alot of people had there doors open. since we have had nothing but sunny days and temperatures reaching 112. and so they had their door open too,  thats how the dog got out. i thought he was gonna chase after me like he always does. but he didnt. i got about 2 houses away when i heard the schreech and thud of a car hitting something. of course it was the beautiful little puppy. the fucking shit head stopped and then took off. i just started screaming and ran to the dog right as the owner ran outside. the car hit the dog right in the head. and so it was only alive for about another minute. i felt so bad for the girl. they really loved this puppy. she said it just turned 2. and when i saw it earlier i noticed how much it had grown since i first moved in. and as i sat there with her and her dog i couldnt believe that all just happened especially on a day like today. it was terrible. i just wish i was walking on the other side of the road so i could have avoided that whole disaster. cuz then he would have come up to me and i could have just pet him for a while. and he wouldnt have ran in the road. i dont fully know if the dog was running after me or not. i feel like a fucking peice of shit. and i glanced outside and saw the girl and her boyfriend hugging and crying over their puppy. it made me want to die

and the weird thing is i had a dream last night about my hamster dying. i dreamt i took it to a friends house and i didnt know they had a cat. and the cat killed the hamster, but in my dream the hamster looked just like the dog did when it died. they both lyed the same way and had some of the same cuts. and in my dream i was just screaming and crying, i even woke up crying.  and i remembered thinking, "oh thank god it was just a dream" but this poor girl is wishing the same thing right now.

god i loved that puppy