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 So I haven't been on much as of late, and haven't written a journal in longer. Thought I'd vent a little to whoever's bored enough to read this. So the spring semester ended about a month ago and since then I have gotten a 'kind of' job, bought a train ticket, and started a meditation class. And I fucked with my hair, because it makes me happy to have control of that change.

So let's start with the job. It's retarded. I work for Vector Marketing, and essentially Cutco Cutlery. I'm a sale's rep and in actuality, I'm not really an employee. I'm an independent contractor. The same basic rules still apply, but they don't drug test (thank God!) and I have to worry about my taxes because they don't take it out. Plus, I work when I want. Sounds great, huh? Yea, it would be if the fucking managers weren't on my dick about it all the damn time! I say 'dick' because I have penis envy. Hey, everyone wants to fuck a hot chick. Anywho, they call all the fucking time and the last time one of them called she gave me this guilt trip about not being committed to the company and asked why I even took the job in the first place. Fucking bitch. I took the god damn job so I wouldn't have to worry about bullshit like that! Assholes. But I'm not quitting it because I can still make money when I feel motivated to get off my ass and fake it in awkward social situations. This is why I suck at this job. You have to talk to people and be personable and really get into it, and I just can't do that. I'm not outgoing, I don't like people, and I could give a fuck about how awesome Cutco is. Yea, they're bad ass knives, but who the fuck cares? And who the fuck can afford to spend hundreds of dollars on a set of knives in these shitty economic times? Certainly no one I know. Fuck my job. 

Next. I am really excited to see my boyfriend. It's been 10 months since we last saw each other and the prospect of seeing him is really helping me to keep a grip on my sanity, even though he's part of what's making me lose it. 16 and a half more days and I will be back in his arms where I belong. God, I'm so excited! I can't wait to actually feel truly happy again. Maybe it's pathetic that I only feel real happiness with him, but I'm pretty sure that's called love, and love makes everyone pathetic at one time or another. Right? Let's say yes. But he really does make me happy and I really do love him and I really do want to spend the rest of my existence with him because he brings me peace in chaos, like the eye of a hurricane. He is amazing and there are so many words I could use to describe him and the feelings I have for him, but none of them can truly encapsulate what I feel. HOWEVER. He's kind of been driving me crazy lately because he's so against getting married and having kids, which is ok right now but not forever. I mean, I wanna be a mommy some day. In like 10 years. And I definitely want to get married, but he doesn't understand the point in it and I'm having a hard time explaining it to him. I mean, it's not like I'm asking him to marry me right now, I'm thinking another 4-6 years. He says he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, that he doesn't want any other girl, I'm amazing and I understand him, all that stuff. But I don't know if I can have a truly long-term relationship without that level of commitment and still feel stable. Agh. Maybe I'm crazy. Actually, I know I am, but he is too. Fuck it. I'm taking life as it comes and when the time is right he'll be ready. Everything works out as it should. 

So I'm taking this meditation class for the first summer semester (we have three, weird huh). My cousin took it a while back and said it wasn't academically challenging, but it required a lot of emotional commitment. I thought, "Great, not a lot of homework, and I could use the group therapy type thing to work out some issues before I see Caleb." (Caleb is the boyfriend, obviously) "Plus, I can totally go to this class stoned." Well I sure as shit thought wrong. There isn't much homework and we can pretty much do whatever we want concerning homework. But I didn't realize how much emotional commitment there would be. I cried while doing my homework on the second day. Then I cried a bit during one of the meditations during one class. Then last week I straight up cried. Not like balling, but tears running down my face and I had a hard time speaking and breathing in a normal pattern. I didn't realize how much depression I'd been repressing for the past few years. I haven't taken anti-depressants since I started dating Caleb and I quit therapy soon there after. Not because of Caleb, but because I felt I didn't need them and they were more of a crutch and I needed to stand on my own two feet, without the drugs and therapists who didn't really give a shit. Plus, I could never really talk to them about being raped, which was the real issue. They always said that if I spoke about any kind of sexual abuse the cops would have to get involved and I didn't want that mess. Sucks though that the same rules apply in my meditation class. So once again I have to deal with it on my own. Fine. Fuck it. And I know what you're thinking, "Why not get the cops involved? The bastard deserves to go to prison." I agree, he should get raped too, but there would be no point in trying to take him to court. There's no proof. I was two and a half years ago. And the only people that witnessed it aren't going to do anything. Fuck, he married one of them. Don't even get me started on that bullshit. Stupid bitch.

Gah, anyways, I've decided that my meditation class is good and I really needed this because fuck knows this shit would have just continued to steam inside me until I faced it. I've tried so hard to forget it but you don't just forget shit like that. I've also realized that it's probably because of that that I changed from the slutty, rebellious teenager that just wanted someone to notice her to the quiet, introverted girl that I am now so people won't notice me. Being ignored is better than being raped. I can't even talk to Caleb about it, not on the phone at least, because it's just so shameful and it makes me cry. I can't talk to anyone about it. 

Well that's enough of that mess. So I bleached some of my hair and it burnt my scalp. My hair was literally steaming. There was fucking steam rising from my head. A word to the wise: when you bleach your hair, don't put it up in a bun or pile it upon itself it any way.

And then I did a crappy dye job. The color didn't stick to where the bleach didn't set in well. So the roots looked cool, but the rest looked like shit.

Then my angel of a mother stepped in and did it for me. It's blue and purple then fades to a cool teal color near the bottom. I dig it.

But now the roots are growing in and some of the front is fading, so I'll need to put some more blue in. Well this is where I shall end this journal entry because it's hella long and I need to talk to my silly drunk boyfriend. Good night everyone.