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im not doing so well. i hoped i would be, and im really irritated to find that i was wrong. firstly, josh and i are still speaking every day. we are also hanging out every few days - usually only briefly - but its nice nonetheless. every time we hang out i cry. the other day we went to the mall to get some lunchables and he said he knew the only way he could truly get over me was to start hooking up with other girls. now that is totally understandable, and he did not say this to be cruel or anything... also, im glad he wants to move on. but one part of me totally shattered and i couldnt help but cry, even though i tried my hardest to fend the feeling off. its hard not having somebody around to call on every day... yes, i realise ive formed a dependancy and this isn't so good for my independence but when somebody you meet - date - lives two streets away from your house, and then lives WITH YOU... its a massive change when they are gone. i find myself sulking around with nothing to do.. even though i have millions of things to do, that need doing, and friends that id love to see. yet i prefer to spend my time alone.

winnie is becoming really sad, too. because now she lives with me and my family, and we all work full time so she is left on her own a lot. when i come home she either hides or becomes VERY desperate and prances around screaming. i feel like im being a horrible mother because im not as actively involved in spending time with her. i dont want her to become sad but its too late..and she misses josh, too. he comes over to see her which is good. i feel like i cant muster the emotional stamina to do, or experience, anything.

i was getting pretty excited about a TAFE course i had coming up.. i called the lecturer and asked if i could enrol and she was full up for the first semester. she told me the best time to apply for semester two would be in april, and the course would begin in june/july. ive got NO idea whether i can wait that long. i feel like i need to do something soon or im going to go insane. so today i found an amazing program for nanny work overseas. ive wanted to travel overseas for SO LONG and i thought - why not now - i need a change of scenery or ill die here. really, its stifling here and i have no idea how to get out of my miserable little rut. so anyway i found an AMAZING program and i signed up for the info night and i printed out the app form (to work as a nanny in the US - WOOO) and i was all hyped up and i mentioned it to a friend and i was hit with "what about winnie?"

i cant believe i forgot about her long enough to make plans to move away for 3 - 12 months. another wave of awful parenting guilt has hit. poor winnie... :( i feel awful that i forgot her, and even worse that im super bummed that i cant try this working overseas biz for a while. some may call it running away,  but i just call it a chance of pace and direction. if i did it, i would have come back. i just wanted to try something else. ive never run away from problems, and there have been countless times (for example - in highschool - at times when i had no friends, when my first boyfriend sexually abused me and had me beaten up in public, when i lost my second boyfriend and, yet again, had no friends and no direction....) that ive felt like if i didnt move away and start anew, i would NEVER survive. and i always managed, but i changed each time. yeah its leanrning and growing and all that neccessary life experience shit but what good is it to me when ive got no goals. i dont feel like i can wait around for good things to happen.. so i found a few good things and tried to make them happen and they just cant work. or cant work for a few months to years and i have little to no strength to use on waiting around.

lately ive found that, because im making more money than i ever have before, ill go shopping and just look in every store which is not so unusual... but i go around and look at everything and nothing is... satisfying, i suppose. nothing makes me feel good. and i dont want to buy anything. but i have all this money, right, so i want to use it to make me feel better. i went to oxfam and spent heaps... got some presents for friends and got myself a nice new diary and that felt great, because i got something to make me smile, something for my friends and it was in a charitable store that i support. other than that i seem to look over endless rows of shoes... clothes... jewelry... bags... none of this shit makes me feel better, and i dont need any of it, really.

i guess what im trying to say is that im truly and utterly lost. i know if i was not on any medication right now id probably do something seriously drastic like i did a few months ago when i finally tried to break the cycle and wean myself off pills. its kinda scary, but i truly cant see a way out of this funk. i need a huge change of routine and change of life and ive got no motivation and cant be fucked with anything but keeping to myself.