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Simplify. This is the refining process. Delirious dreams that color an entire day. One foot in front of the other, bringing me several steps in a new direction. Smoke settles in to the fibers of my clothing. When my legs tire and refuse to bring another foot forward, my hands orchestrate the journey. Moving in dance. create. Laying stones in an arrangement I understand will build a house. I'm making.up my mind. Committed to action and acting out long repressed desires. Movement towards a goal, punctuated by silence. I'm going nowhere. new. Excited to have the strength of these hands working in tandem with the beating of a heart that won't quit. Don't know who I am anymore.than I ever have. but. I feel so real. you could reach out and touch the oneness of my heart/hands. so real. I'm not going to disappear. Stopped growing big a decade ago but I'm growing stronger. When these tired legs give up I'll need not lean on anyone. I have the courage it takes to lay still. and the wisdom to know that I'm not giving up.

I'm starting work at the Cafe full time. We agreed on this together. I'm working 40hrs over the course of the weekend. Three 14hr days in a row. Sounds ludicrous to some/most. I was working 14hr days already when I had both jobs. so I know what I'm getting in to. Those long and exhausting days were the beautiful grey in a week full of blacks and whites. I'm training for a marathon of adventure. Eventually, a longer, harder string of days will come along and I'll have the satisfaction of excelling without complaint. Not invincible, but I am young and I want to live in an interesting way. The contrast the week free of stress presents next to a weekend of no rest is beautiful. This begins tomorrow. I'm not expecting anything dramatic other than the consumption of lots of matcha, but I know that the longer I am in the flow at work the more my mind blossoms and releases the pollen of creative ideas. and the more I am faced with the fact that there is no real breaking point the more I accept that I am not lazy or useless. Sometimes, ;) this feeling spills over in to my personal time and I have the strength to push through weariness and make my life wonderful regardless.

This past month I've been grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I went through an extended depression for nearly a year. I had given up on anything that might bring me any rest from my hateful mind. I still feel the internal antagonist threaten to make waste of my joy but I am gently (and sometimes forcefully) encouraged by the people I love and trust to respond to a new life. How relieving to know that anxiety when won't release my mind there is the wisdom of love. Once made of ice, I am now a river. Once I would have been terrified by the momentum of my own energies but I feel nothing but blessed to be so free from control. I can't promise that I'll stick around forever or that I'll be the same from one day to the next, but I do my best to be genuine and love you for exactly who you are in this moment without any restrictions.

Photoshoot for Dusted Rose Designs. My androgyny is masked by a beautiful wig.

I'll be walking the runway for this wonderful designer in the nearing fashion week.