my best friend is moving to arizona. i am pretty torn up. i want to just move with him and ditch the midwest scene once and for all. but i need to finish college up here. out of state tuition would KILL me. its hard enough to save up as it is, and i only need about $1000. i think i need to get a second job, or sell my booty. im kind of a prude though. and very picky. i love sex, love love love love love it! but only with certian fellas. i dont just put out for anyone. never will.

i am just missing school, hardcore. i hate having so much free time. i know i will be back soon, but really now. this is driving me nuts. i am trying to stay positive, like oh hey i have a whole year to fuck around and do whatever i want. but really...there is nothing too exciting to do. sure, i have a few photo shoots coming up and yadda yadda but i feel kind of worthless. i hate being down on life. my co-workers call me "sunshine" not just because of my hair either, because they tell me i am always bright and sunny and positive. i dont feel that way. for some reason i feel like i have to be strong, even when i feel hopeless, weak and frail on the inside. and i know that is an ineffective way to act. i should have no shame in feeling. but, i feel kind of empty and dead inside.

what is love?
i really want to know. i think that is what i am missing. there are two guys i think i have fallen for. but nothing is working. what do i do? i wish i wasnt capable of feeling human emotions like a few people have told me. that has stuck with me. i like to think i am a very touchy/feely gal who wants to experience. i dont know. i am honestly drunk and baked. and this is all making sense in my brain case.

annnnnywayyyy, here are some pics of my bff & i..."whale wrestling" or so he calls it. im going to miss this kid more than anything!! *pout*





and i got a new kitty! shes too cute....





xox
kels