so this guy (ive mentioned him previously) i have been ga-ga crazy over since december is finally; alas, out of my thoughts for the most part. it was very funny when i had a conversation with him earlier in the day. he rambled on about how he shouldnt be a priority in my life at the moment, and i shouldnt lose sleep over him. because hes a piece of shit, or so he claims. he then fed me the same bullshit he usually does, saying he will always be here for me and that he has my back and we have a very special relationship that he would never want to compromise. yadda, yadda, yadda! he lectured me on time management and how i need to set goals for myself. it was like talking with my father. only, i enjoy talking to my dad. it was very strange. i told him i didnt have feelings for him anyone and that i just want to fuck him from time to time. he looked rather upset, and insisted that i was still crazy about him. no, im really not. im pretty much over him. he is the biggest alcoholic i know and he is too blind to realize that he has so much going for him and he is throwing it all away. it hurts to see someone i care about trash their life. i think that is why i lost the "lovey dovey" feelings for him. dont get me wrong, i still care about him as a friend, and like i said, i still want to jump his bones once in awhile, but there will never be anything more than that. i wanted us to work out more than anything, but i have come to realize you cant make someone love you. no matter how much you think you love someone; love goes both ways, and it cant be a one sided ordeal. im not sure if i actually LOVED him, but i know it was there, and it was possible. rejected. oh well. i am moving on to better things. im NOT losing sleep over him anymore, and i do have goals for myself. it just sucks to realize things will never work out, but like i said i got to pick up and move on and do what is in my best interest. such is life.

i really need to go see a doctor about my insomnia. i think its getting worse. i cannot fall asleep, i feel so restless. my mind never shuts off, it races non-stop. i gotta get some sleep though, i have work tomorrow. and sleep is essential. i need to get some z's.

okay okay...something postive...? well, i have all of my bills paid for the month of july. that means all i have to spend money on is gas/food, the rest i can save for school next fall. i really hope i can save up enough without having to take out a loan. i have less than a year left, i think it is a very reachable goal. im sure i could get a scholarship for cross country again too, even though i reeeeally dont want to do that! im such a lazy turd. i have been going to the gym every day again though. i feel so flabby and gross anymore. gotta get sexy again.

i will leave you with my reaction to 2 girls 1 cup. i know, its old news, but here...