Julene's journals

do you ever get the feeling that you are smack in the middle of passiveaggressivenotes.com? i kinda hate that. actually, it's not so much hate as it is an absolute irritation that people are so incapable of being direct. if you can't man the fuck up to say something, just keep your goddamn mouth shut.

enough about that--i woke up late, can't breathe, my head's pounding, and i've been trying to clear my sinuses for the past 20 minutes. maybe my "head cold" is a sinus infection. great, awesome, i don't have a health care and i'm a cheap skate.

where the hell are my goddamn blueberry pancakes? that's it, i'm going to take myself to ihop. after farhaad punches me for oversleeping. to the crackberry!

This weekend I am picking up old books and finding things in them worthy of sharing with people.



"Your love must not depend on sad-eyed boys. You can be in love with sunflower dresses and vegan lasagna and Rice Krispie Treats and rain and skateboarding and Martha Graham and angel fountains. Then the sad-eyed boys will come. Eventually their fear will fade and they will come."

- Francesca Lia Block



I am made sad by all the sad girls out there. You are looking in the wrong places for the wrong things. Please be in love with yourself first & foremost--or you'll never get "him" to be in love with you back.

In the meantime please enjoy fattening desserts, mental stimulation from the things you choose to watch or read, wear less makeup, and spend more time barefoot. Things do not have to be perfect for you to be happy. <3

at this moment i am eating lasagna, drinking the remnants of my iced caramel macchiato from... four hours ago... and thrusting my pelvis like a stripper because i am listening to britney spears.

... why do you people even like me? sheesh. oh wait, you dig me for my cat.



that was her being pissed that i was ignoring her for my henry rollins book collection. oh, what a sexy, angry, hateful, lonely person he was circa 1998. i want to wrap myself in that gym-addicted version of him just as he was starting to go gray at the temples. instead i fell asleep face-down on the pages. is that like book rape?

my brother finally got back to me last night--via text message at 1am when he was drunk. the kid can't spell to save his life anyway, so deciphering those texts was definitely an arduous task. turns out he is going to [insert name of awesome NHL team here] training camp for a week or two before flying to canada to start the season. i seriously expect to be telling y'all in the next 3 years that my brother has been drafted to the NHL.



which brings me to my next point... my brother grew again. he's fucking 6'5". IS THIS EVEN REAL?!?!?! i kinda hate him because this means he likely really will reach 6'7". most guys over 6'4" are goofy looking. then again i also happen to think my brother and i look like siblings.. yet people constantly ask if we're dating when we're in public together. gross, right?

if any of you 18-20 year old ladies are into chads (because my brother wears white sneakers, pops the collar on his polo, and thinks that khaki shorts are a fashion statement) let me know. just don't be mad that he's like... skinny. really skinny. you can admire his abs though, if that's your thing.

the last two days i have felt like this:




"i bust in dudes mouths like gushers." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

shit i need to not have so much caffeine this late in the day.

I had a lot to say but right now I think it's all best kept to myself.

I feel like wrapping myself in my blue-collar working class lifestyle and telling anyone who wants to wave their fancy things in my face to get fucked.

Here is something funny...

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MYFRIEND(11:23:33 AM): fucking hell
MYFRIEND (11:23:46 AM): Stripper's gone bonkers on me
MYFRIEND (11:23:56 AM): I'm having to file a domestic violence report now
MYFRIEND (11:24:10 AM): Waiting for the cops to show up as I type this
ME (11:24:15 AM): hi um [name removed]
ME (11:24:18 AM): quit fucking crazy bitches
ME (11:24:20 AM): it'll save you drama
MYFRIEND (11:24:23 AM): HAHA! She has a masters in psychology!
ME (11:24:34 AM): FURTHER PROOF
MYFRIEND (11:24:37 AM): HAHA! Dude, this shit is happening 2 days before I'm off probation
ME (11:25:43 AM): ... this is what happens when you facefuck "lesbian" strippers
ME (11:25:55 AM): YOU'LL GET NO SYMPATHY FROM ME

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My male friends are typically amazing people with questionable judgment when erect. Nothing new about that though, eh?

You know, when I first met you I have to say I was hesitant because of your $175 price tag. But after I strode out of the dressing room with my ass lookin' so fat you could see it from the front, I was in love. I swore of all others but you, J-brand. My sole pair of jeans, you were tight in all the right places and more than long enough to rock a small cuff when those punk rock high school memories became so strong.

So can you please tell me what the fuck happened last night J-brand? Why one moment you were a cohesive dark piece of jean material sent from heaven to make me look extra-super-good and the next THE ENTIRET CROTCH SEAM RIPPED APART!?!? I'm not sure what I did to offend you but it was very embarrassing, your seamline split from next to the zipper that went down almost until my knee.

How could you do this to me? I mean, I always went that extra mile to hang you up to dry instead of casually throwing you in the dryer and mistakenly shrinking you like I have with so many other pairs of jeans that have come into my life. I did not launder you too frequently, and had a really nice bottle of Febreeze I would spray you down with prior to going out with friends so as not to offend their delicate senses of smell--I mean, I really did do everything I possibly could for you!

And how do you thank me? By slowly being worn out from my gentle brand of love? NAY! By abandoning me in my hour of need! (1AM or so, to be exact.)


:'( I thought we were at least frenz, J-brand. Now I know differently.

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Seriously that's my ONLY pair of jeans. Think American Rag would replace them if I went in with my receipt? I've only had them for like... three months. I DON'T WANT TO SPEND $175 ON FUCKING PANTS AGAIN SO SOON!

i am trying to send people things and as i'm nearing the last few letters my postage machine informs me "LO". wtf does that even mean, it's a postage machine? oh yes, wait... a nearly dead 9V battery. of course, nobody keeps a 9V battery sitting around their office. at least, i don't.

lesson learned on not stocking up on seldom-used battery sizes, eh?

i remember when half the hand-me-down toys i owned functioned on 9V batteries. like my shitty alarm clock's backup power system in case the power went out or my neighbor's older sister's teddy ruxpin.



that thing was amazing, albeit a bit lazy eyed. i think that's what happens when you dig toys out of someone else's garbage can as a kid. that girl's trash was definitely my treasure, it's too bad she never threw out any of these gems:













julene, why are you reflecting on 80's toys that half of us don't know the names of because we are from different generations? i'm reminiscing on that time in my life. i'm remembering what it was like to not hate my dad or spend hours on the phone listening to my mother crying. my brother hasn't answered my calls or texts in a week which has me worried with him going up to canada so soon in the future. i'm trying to figure out how to budget in the money i have to send him  for him to eat while he's up there since so much inane & stupid bullshit is going on around him right now.

i hate feeling manipulated by people who are supposed to love me. i hate reading emails written just to upset me when i know that i am in the best place right now i could possibly be. i wouldn't say i ever get "homesick" per se, because i don't find denver to be the kind of place i ever thought felt like home to me--right now i'm glad i have no desire to move back. i'm looking ahead, focusing on the future, and pushing myself away from as many negative influences as i can from a point in time where i wasn't confident to just cut them all out.

it's kinda rough for a tuesday.

i have a bunch of really cool photos from adventures i've been forcing myself to go on... but i cannot post them for fear of unveiling an extra-rad thing that i am keeping very hush hush. so you have to wait for a mega-epic post of photos involving me acting like a retard/overjoyed youthful individual.

here, look at my cat instead. otep is probably cuter than i am when she makes this face:




did i mention i had a shoot day a few weeks back? i think you guys (and girls) are going to have perma-boners when you see this stuff. i think it's some of my best shit yet--i'm starting to think i may have mentally grown into myself. i wear shoes with lift out in public on ocassion, i am not afraid of being noticeably taller than my friends or meeting boys that may offset the amount of attention people have given me based on my height.

right, so... back to the battle between good (me) and evil (the postage machine). hope you folks are doing "swell". (i should bring that word back. i am white and it's funny.)

i'm not feeling well--there's a lot going on that i am just an observer of but i don't like any of it. dehydrated and exhausted from numerous hours on the phone which keeps randomly losing reception regardless of my location.

i want to take three big steps back but doing so means disconnecting myself from people i really and truly need to be keeping tabs on.

when all else fails, keep your friends up all night on the phone because you can't sleep. at least i'm not suffering from some weird sad non-eating thing... god this bag of ruffles is delicious.

there are days where my heart is warmed by nice things all the girls here do--one of them (who wishes to remain anonymous) donated a set to us. just because she knows we aren't in the best place right now with a zillion monies to spend, but she wanted to stay on top of being an active model here.

<3 lady you know who you are, and we really appreciate it. <3



i think i pulled the group of muscles under my right shoulder blade this weekend--now my right shoulder is sitting higher than the left. it was worth it for the results i got but i feel weird walking around holding my right arm like a chicken wing.

netflix was feeling cruel yesterday and sent me "the notebook". being that summer romance is gay and stupid and fucked up i decided to embrace a movie where someone else actually gets to fall in love... by fucking bawling through the entire thing. not like a scene or two, like the whole fucking thing starting about 15 minutes in.  it's weird, there's a few movies that do that to me every time. i could be in an awesome mood or a sad mood and i will still have puffy eyeballs by the time it's over. "thirteen" does it to me too.

right now i am listening to tori amos sing about how much she hates mondays (you aren't the only one sister) and chugging coffee. and smashing the ants that got in through the window. >.<

In case you guys missed it, Jenna & I sometimes have really funny AIM conversations. Hopefully this one is as entertaining to you as it is to me.

xo

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Julene: i can't tell if he's hot or awkward
Julene: or boff
Jenna: i cant tell
Jenna: he definitely looks 17 and likes edge
Julene: >.<
Julene: EXACTLY
Julene: dude, my MO = babyface sxe boys
Julene: DUH
Jenna: i know wtf julene. youre a perv
Jenna: WHERES CHRIS HANSEN
Julene: i'm like a serial killer
Jenna: i know
Jenna: CHRIS HANSEN I NEED YOU
Julene: who?
Julene: who is christ hansen?
Julene: chris, even.
Jenna: TO CATCH A PREDATOR
Julene: kajshfkjlaghdkhdrg
Julene: i hate you.
Julene: look dude i just bring the wine coolers over for their moms okay?
Julene: besides they're all EDGE4LYFE and do not want my wine coolers
Julene: and/or whiskey
Julene: and/or marijuana
Jenna: whatever youd put GHB in their lemonade
Julene: rolyphenol, but close.
Jenna: pervsss
Julene: GHB is so... 1990's raver scene
Jenna: lol you are like a mass serial killer
Jenna: like your type is baby face edge virgins
Julene: but i don't kill anyone!
Jenna: youre going to be on a law and order svu
Julene: and you know what will happen when that episode airs?
Julene: you will record it and show it to me for when i get out of jail
Jenna: if you get out of jail
Jenna: what would your serial killer name be
Jenna: like
Jenna: edge rapist
Julene: that's lame
Julene: v-card slayer
Jenna: AHAH
Jenna: xxx v-card slayer xxx
Julene: v-card slasher
Julene: get those x's away from my serial killer name!
Julene: i am so not edge, obv.
Jenna: XXX
Jenna: XXXXX
Julene: that's how i end up with stories about blowing people twice
Julene: by not being edge
Jenna: HAHAHAH twice
Julene: although to be fair i'm sure i would still do those types of things if i didn't drink
Jenna: i am tempted if i can convince boy i like to come with me saturday to the bar mitzvah party i  will blow him somewhere inappropriate near my family just to be rebellious.
Julene: you hate giving blowjobs
Julene: quit faking

all crack jokes about anal sex, and plan ways to get shows like "cheaters" really high ratings.



i hate denver, but i really love these two. <3