Julene's journals

This was me when I was death-sick and the artfag took care of me a few weeks ago:


This is Nile. She obviously really loves me. Or at least likes the fact I feed her.


This is Otep, she's fat.


This is me now. I dunno if I hate my new haircolor or not.


I was really hoping there would be some L&O on, but it's nothing but absolute dullsville on TV. I should be organizing boxes of shit, buying presents & then wrapping them, or cleaning. I am doing none of these things because I am waiting for everyone to attach themselves to their computers & blow up the forums with amazingly awesome stuff that will help me de-stress.

In a week I will be running around with Shannon & Toryn acting a fool and having Toryn take n00dz of me. Shwing!

the person who lived in my apartment before me obviously never learned to clean a stove. which is what i've been doing for two hours, trying to remedy this grave mistake. the fumes from this shit makes me lightheaded. that's a sign of cleanliness, right?

Apparently there are lots of videos on YouTube with girls "laughing at your small dick."

God bless the internet.

up at 9am yesterday, napped from 7pm-midnight. now it's 4:30am and the internet is no long amusing.

shit.

on the front page of the westword:

STICKY SITUATION
julene has herpes.
catch it if you can.

cue floods of myspace messages, friend requests, and people doing the double-take in public. it's a half-page article. i've collected a few copies of the paper to send off to some friends, as well as clipped it out to throw in my box of shit i only look at once every 5 years. is this one of those things that qualifies for the "show your grandchildren" title?

apparently the nice boss i like has left and gone to jamaica for the next week, which means i am left to deal with the real "see you next tuesday" lady that drives me absolutely nuts. great, thanks. she's already told me she "hates these tattooed people in tattooed people bars that are up to no good", which is where we do at least 50% of our business. did i mention that for someone at the head of a major city's marketing campaign she's never made an appearance at any of our big money bars? three more shifts is all i have left before i start my new job, so i figure i can ignore her until then. or firebomb the office, whichever gets the job done.

i'm in the newspaper. click to read the article.

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I was born in the middle of an ice storm; my parents almost died several times on their way to the hospital for my mother to give birth to me. Throughout my childhood my birthday celebrations were canceled because the roads were too awful for my friend's parents to drive them over. There were years where everyone ended up stranded at my house for a few days until the plows came through to clear the roads.

Then there was nearly a decade of Colorado Christmases celebrated under clear blue skies over dead grass. For some reason, snow has always made me feel lonely. It's as if I have no business leaving my house once the flakes start actually sticking to the ground. I learned to drive on ice before I knew how to drive on dry pavement--my father knew what was important.

I hate the snow, and everything it has come to symbolize in my life. It means months of always being cold if my bedroom has windows, cold wet feet every day until I finally end up sick, but mostly it only makes me feel trapped. Snow creates bars and barriers that make me feel as if there will never be a way out of Denver, that more birthdays will pass where my friends don't show because of all the snow on the roads.

Winter is lonely, for all the hours I spend indoors thinking instead of outside experiencing. Every winter I end my year on a solitary note of knowing that one day I will find a place that does not lead to me feeling alienated as long as I have to put on a winter jacket.

Most people here find that as cold weather moves in they are happier. I spend a lot of time watching people be unhappy while they fight with spouses, without the option of walking around the block until you think the other person has gone to bed.

I will be so happy when I never have to look at snow again, never buy winter tires or water-proof my boots.

Today over coffee I realized I have fallen in & out of love with someone for two years. We met on Christmas Eve, so it's only suiting that I have a glaring realization at this time of year. He and I will never be anything functional, even as friends. We are both so wrapped up in not fucking up a cautious friendship that we do nothing that would indicate we care for each other. I prefer keeping him more than an arm's length away. Every time I've let him come closer he has fallen short of my expectations. I'm almost positive someday he will marry a girl he despises and let her spend his money on an expensive house and car she doesn't deserve. It's sad to think that I expect him to go along with that. I know him too well for either of our own good.

I keep trying to tell myself I do not like the guy I've been seeing for almost 3 months now, but I do. I wonder what he sees in me, even though I've asked him before and received the same answers every time. It's unfortunate I cannot put him in my pocket to help me ignore all the empty people I seem to cross paths with as of late. I listen to songs and they make me wonder if kidnapping him for a few months would really be such a terrible idea. He is too smart for me to truly appreciate sometimes, but he's good at holding me before we fall asleep and saying things honestly without realizing they will make me smile. Why is it I cannot have everything? I have a knack for finding one good thing in the midst of a lot of bullshit. He is the good thing lately, it seems.

2008 is drawing closer, and I am more fearful that I will fuck it up royally now then ever. This year means really going the extra mile outside of my comfort zone in the name of my sanity and overall well-being. I will do well, and I know this. I'm just not looking forward to the arguments that will ensue once people realize how serious I am about doing a reassessment of my friends & familiars. This is a full-on cleaning spree. My apartment smells like chemicals and dust from all the cleaning I have done. I am getting rid of every single thing that weighs me down instead of lifting me up, including people.

This is a long entry that probably makes no sense to any of you, with the exception of a particular few. That's alright, I don't need you to understand.

My brother will be home in two weeks--I haven't seen him since August and rarely talk to him more than once a month. Isn't it strange how thousands of miles somehow tighten the bonds within a family?

Tonight I was told I should change my haircut if I don't want to be hit on by lesbians because I "look really butch" by some gay man. I've never had a gay guy tell me I looked like a lesbian, if anything they start our conversations off with something involving our shared love of dick.

Allegedly it will do nothing but snow this whole weekend, I hope my rental car's up for it. If not, it could be a very interesting few days.

Tomorrow night Katie & I are going up to Ft. Collins to see local music. 3OH!3 is playing, and I hate myself for liking them. But not enough that it will prevent me from polishing off the rest of the bottle of Jack in my kitchen before we leave for the show.

Whiskey and I, we make good friends.