 |
 |
 |
||
| click to hide | ||||
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Erica's journals<< back to Erica's profile
eating burritos
posted : 10/11/08 01:03 am pst listening to: I am silly too. I was looking for my shawn porter interveiw and I saw my interview with Farhaad FINALLY got posted, (maybe its been up for awhile?) but this was from like forever ago, and its sorta of funny, I do love foreigners, I am hanging out with my filipino friend who everyone thinks is a mexican. Thats what you get when your mom names you Jesus.
http://www.godsgirls.com/random_gg_erica - go read!  Our smokes are friends! (I corrupt my friends, oooooops!)  This is not a good photo of me, and Jesus looks sort of insane. Or as he says "me in my natural habitat."  Del taco is good, even with the wrapper on. I wrote 4 entries tonight, that is just too much, maybe.
an email
posted : 10/10/08 10:20 pm pst listening to: Damien Rice - 9 crimes I just read the best email, Jesus sent it to me, and I know he's smart, but I didn't know he could write such a coherant email. He says I'm in love with an ideal and not reality, and I know this is true, I'm only in love with the spirit of people, no actual person, but if I'm in love with someones soul, maybe thats true love afterall? I'm in love with Carl Jung, William Blake, Nietzsche and hundreds of authors, artists and poets I've never met and who are dead anyways. Is it possible for me to fall in love with someone real to me, I just don't know...
I keep writing to clear my head and nothing that makes any sense is coming out anyways. He says I can't force things and I know this is true, but he also says we can create opportunities, which is true and a paradox in and of itself. Reality is what we make of it, and my reality is mystical, so I'm pragmatic and a realist at heart. I can't put it into words very easily, and so I try and photograph things as I see them. I'm a very visual thinker and my memories are like photographs and I usually can remember bits and pieces of my life in strong detail including where we were standing and what it smelled like, my memory reconstructs moments like I was right there again, I can feel the temperature and its like chunks of highly dense data that I can relive. Certain memories stand out stronger than others, and I can remember the coat my exhuband wore when we signed our divorce papers, and the striped leggings I wore one day when I was 7 years old, I am more observant than people take me to be, and I remember details about people very easily. When I read born on a blue day I related very well to Daniel Tammet, and I'm sort of in love with him too. I wish I could explain my brain, I wish I could figure out how it works, and I don't know anyone who works the way i do, but I meet pieces of myself all over the place and so i relate to people very well, but sometimes I think no one relates to me, like my connection only works one way and I can undersatnd others but no one gets me the way I get them. And this is why I feel lonely inside my own head. 
huh.
posted : 10/10/08 09:13 pm pst listening to: Damien Rice - green eyes I am four people apparently. I took the myers briggs test and I am testing as an INTJ right now. 1% thinking, and 1% judging, 11% introvert and 38% intuitive. So, I'm where in between and a INTJ, INFJ, INTP and a INFP. Depends on the minute and on the time. My horoscopse is a gemini and a gemini rising, so blame it on my horoscope. I'm complicated to say the least. I am being more extroverted right now, which is typical during times like this. My mind and plans change everyday, I don't where I'm going, I'm playing it by ear.
Today was pretty boring, Rashard was my therepist today and he said I was being naive, but I think Jay is being just as naive in that case. I'm not ready to commit to ANYONE right now, and I'm just being open to what may come my way and I'm enjoying being single, but its lonely regardless. I am a lonely person anyways, I shut people out if they get too close and I'm distant and unattached even when I'm dating, its sort a problem for a lot of men I think. They expect me to be warmer and more emotional, I just don't think like that, I can cry easy, I admit, but I can shut down like an iceberg if I'm pushed too far. I know thats the reason I've dated so many guys who've ended up cheating, they need something emotional that I don't know I'm capable of giving to anyone. When I feel rejected I just shut people out and build up my walls faster than they can tear mine down. Its a problem I have and it doesn't seem to be being solved by anti-depressents, in fact my walls are so high right now I'm in a fortress, not a castle. There is a moat and bridge but I'm shut up inside right now and no ones getting in. Damien is texting me non stop and its sort of too intense for me right now, hes an intense guy as it is, but I'm sort of ignoring him and he says I'm tense, but I'm relaxed and tense at the same time and I feel pretty fearless and the saddest part is I just don't care about everyone like I used to. I used to be so empathetic, but it hurt too much and now I'm not sure I care about myself as much as I used to and maybe its better that way. Damien is a beautiful singer and writer, but hes insane and I think hes actually a scientologist, for reals. I didn't know anyone but Beck and Tom Cruise really bought into that crap. Damien should have a recording contract, but instead he joined the navy, hes so weird. I told Brandon I am smoking more pretentious smokes than him, he didn't believe me until I told him they had tobacco that is only grown by three farmers in the world. I gave him one, and he said it nearly knocked him the fuck out when he smoked it. Ha! They are so good, American Spirits, perique blend, pick them up if you can find them, my liquor store near my house has them, I read about them on the interweb, and was so stoked when they had them. Now I'm trying to decide if I want to spend my friday night alone or if I want to call my friends and get out of the house. I think I'm gonna walk to the liquor store and spend some money on a pack of smokes. See ya! xoxo
the black box
posted : 10/10/08 08:18 pm pst listening to: Ray LaMontagne- you are the best thing So I found this black box in the ocean, I was diving and looking at all the pretty coral, but I found a plane crash instead. So I dove down deep and pulled out the black box.
I took it back to my office and tried to see why the plane crashed and what the pilot's trying to tell me. I've spent months trying to figure out this thing out, to find out why the plane crashed and I've been trying real hard to fix this damned box. It could have been the seawater, or maybe the plane crash, but I have a feeling that the box had all the wrong components even before it was put in the plane. I think when the box was put together in the factory something got messed up. The manufacturing process was sloppy, some parts look like they were slapped together, and some parts look like there was some loving, tender care taken with it, but nothing really matches up the way it should the more I pull it apart. It still plays, but I'm only hearing pieces of what happened before the crash, parts are missing, and some are really distorted, and I'm not sure what the pilots really saying. I tried to replace some of the broken parts, and sometimes I hear something that sounds like a distress call, and sometimes I just hear the pilot laughing. I try to give the box some love and affection, and that’s exactly when it turns off on me. The lights just go off, but it starts playing. I just walk away, and then it starts singing to me. It sounds so sweet, and I know it’s just a siren song. But maybe I'm a mermaid. I should throw it back in the ocean where I found it. I think it’s just broken, I think it's defective.
save me
posted : 10/10/08 12:06 am pst listening to: sonya kitchell - train Everyday is sort of weird. I prayed in May and said "god, please change my life!" because I so seriously hated my life, and it was drudgery and I was SOOOO bored. And lo and behold, look what happens.. god has a fucked up sense of humor. Not funny, change it back! Just kidding (sorta). Its all sorts of jacked up now, but its good. I get depressed, I get happy, I get sad, I laugh and make jokes about taking my whole bottle of prescription sleeping pills and the bottle of tequila and how me and my best friend hope to get a 2 for 1 deal at the mental hospital. And I write this for you guys to read. And delete journal entries like I'm burning evidence of my bank robbery. And I burn letters in the bbq and the flames meet in the middle.
We planned a screenplay for our lives called "a million ciggerette butts on my porch", I giggle and wonder when I should start writing it? We talked about my tenacity and my belief in myself that carries me through my days. I got that, I got hopes, and dreams, and beliefs that hold me together despite all the storms that rage around me. I mean, days are tough and I feel like I'm getting it from both ends, but I'm still holding strong and I've placed my bets and am willing to gamble it all away just for a good time. I'll take my winnings home and laugh all the way to the bank no matter what. My best friend is probably psychic, ha! Between the glass of milk, christina ricci and something I can't remember, we had the best conversation tonight. Our hearts and minds were one. If I was to ever marry a girl, it would be that one, she's my hetro-lifemate, except shes a lesbian and shes like my sister and it would creep me out to think about making out with her. But she makes me laugh and gets me more than anyone I've ever known, we've been best friends since were were 12, and shes met pretty much all my boyfriends, crushes, and my "boytoys" as she calls them. I told her my story tonight about my day, and I'm not sharing any details because that was my last entry. Just kidding. What's the moral of the story I asked, "there is no moral" No kidding. I asked is he a treasure hunter or a lazy drunk? And he said I was jumping to conclusions, no kidding. Is that what you call a character summary? Who needs a Ph. D. if you got intuition anyways? Time for margaritas!
Curious.
posted : 10/09/08 08:37 pm pst listening to: Iron and Wine - the trapeze swinger I forgot to tell you, you can't break something you never had in the first place. You have my key, but I have your heart. We fit together like two puzzle pieces that neither of us are going to solve, maybe. We just aren't that smart. But you can't get blood from a stone, and if thats all you want you should just cut yourself and let it bleed.
If you are draggin' this box around, I have to ask you why? If it's only to satisfy your curiousity, and you don't want to keep whats inside, then just let it go. There are other people who would take better care of the treasure inside, anyways. If you want it, you'll have to try and make some real effort, if you don't let it go. Let it go. I don't expect you to wait forever, and I hope you don't expect the same from me, because I'm impatient, and I move quick as mercury. You ask me if something is going on between me and him, but you don't call so why do you need to know anyways? I'm waiting for something out of left field for my homerun, and if you can't be that person, its time to forfeit. But I told you I didn't expect us to grow up in a week or four. So don't lose all your patience just yet, and give me space to breathe. I forgot to tell you, the box might be making more of an effort than the guy dragging it in the first place, maybe you didn't notice? Maybe you didn't care. I told you he's just not strong enough, and you said he's drinking a bottle of wine instead. Its probably best we start drinking. I told you a hammer might work, and you agreed, and you'll choose another over me just to try and break my heart, but it would break yours instead to know you could never make the effort to open the box in the end. I am unbreakable. Can you drag me home? In the bottom of her box was hope. It was hope. I'm so tired of being dragged around by you. You should sing me a Beatles song sometime. I want you I want you so bad I want you, I want you so bad It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad. I want you I want you so bad babe I want you, I want you so bad It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad. I want you I want you so bad babe I want you, I want you so bad It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad. I want you I want you so bad I want you, I want you so bad It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me ... She’s so heavy heavy, heavy, heavy. She's so heavy She's so heavy, heavy, heavy I want you I want you so bad I want you, I want you so bad It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad. I want you You know I want you so bad babe I want you, You know I want you so bad It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad Yeh! She’s so...
borrowed song
posted : 10/08/08 05:41 pm pst listening to: Iron and Wine - sea and the rhythm He wouldn't know what to do with me if he caught me.
He'd give you a ring, you said. What if I don't want it? What if I don't want it? You can't mine a diamond big enough to capture my heart and soul. I'll take one for each hand. You have me tattooed on your neck and throat, you always asked me to put my hands on your throat. The last time I pushed your hands away and you were the one who got fucked. When you look in the mirror you'll just see my green eyes staring back at you. I have her tattooed on my arm, her eyes are green. I have her tattooed on my leg, her eyes are blue. There are no brown eyes in sight. Love is blind. I can tell you that I hate you, and I can see right through you, and you think you can see right through me, but its only my ghost you've captured, you've gotten a clear picture. Not once. I'm floating away from this haunted house. You haven't seen me around in awhile, when's the last time I've called your name? When is the last time that phone has rang? Some magnetic force pushes us together and pulls us away. You said you were all about image, and I said you are vain. I'm looking right at you and there is no telling what you are gonna do this time. We are singing a borrowed song.  Just close your eyes and pretend to be blind, he told me.
What?
posted : 10/07/08 09:49 pm pst listening to: Ray LaMontagne- Crazy
Bury me.
posted : 10/06/08 11:59 pm pst listening to: bell x1 - I'll see your heart and raise you mine
Therapy.
posted : 10/06/08 06:48 pm pst listening to: Iron and Wine - Lions Mane |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| home | tour | news | articles | browse members | support | 2257 | privacy | apply | webmasters | faq | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
