Ellie's journals

My dog is sick...i love my dog so much and hurt when he does. He possibly has an auto immune disease and if thats the case hes going to have to get a lot of steroid shots and things....

that is extremely stressful to me, that he is sick..

 

and on the other hand, i've come to a comfortable realization....i feel like most people don't take me for who i really am. i don't havea  lot of folks on my side at this point....but i know whats inside of me and it isn't all that bad, really....no worse than the girl who gets it right everytime anyway.

and so i don't care anymore how most people see me....i'd never consider myself better than anyone...i just don't mind being seen as something i may not be. i guess if that's what i am in their head, then thats their own reality there's not much i can do....i'll just set some time aside for those who want to look a bit more.

i'll still exist the same as always.

 

the combination of stress and this feeling is way too weird for me.

have the sets this week been craaazzzy good?

goodness...

gonna have a quiet night at my mom's...she's making me BEANS. i love beans. people talk shit about them but they're so yummy and i get my protein there as well.

oh, and i suppose i'm on the hunt for a new camera....i guess mine was stolen or something, i've no clue. i had it with me at all times so thats my theory anyway.

if anyone has one they wanna sell or something, i'm in need here.

i've begun a quest to grow out my hair and there is no turning back.

it seems like i could have way more fun with my DIYs with looonggg white hair

:D

there is nothing worse for my eyes and ears than the late nite videos on vh1....

i felt like i was watching a string of old navy and deodorant commercials set to shitty music.

that i loved.

maybe i'm fucked up, but i'm not a bad person...

i can be cold and distant and mean, but it doesn't mean a thing.

its hard for me not to hold someone down so that theycan't climb on top of me, so that i'll never be the one in position to get hurt.....but its cost me this time.

its never an excuse. its hard to change, is all.

 

 

even though i haven't been my happiest lately, iit seems that i learned more than usual....more about myself and more about people. I know its sort of dumb to say "learned" because maybe what i've come to terms with in my head is wrong, and maybe in a week i'll second guess myself....I know that i don't cope well with things, and i tend to get easily confused/bothered, but i feel satsified tonight. That's weird too.


Good weird, though.

When i was a kid, i had trouble learning how to tie my shoes. Everyday during gym, I'd anticipate the end of class when we had to put our shoes back on, because i was nervous that i coudln't do it in front of all the other kids.

I'ts a shame I didn't just owna  bunch of flats.

I still get nervous about little things. My heart is always pounding before I go into crowded public places.

Anyway, this week has been weird. I had an ex friend want to kick my ass (if you knew me better, you'd realize how funny this is, I'm pretty non-violent...), and last night I drank a bunch of apple rum and layed on the living room floow for a while listening to music by myself. I keep having dreams that wake me up but then i can't remember what they were about, i just feel like "whhhaaat..." and it's really hard to get back to sleep.

Maybe that's what i need...really good sleep.

found this pic of me as a wee fifteen year old
HEH


BUT it is only s slight heh compared to the enormous one that this one deserves...this is me at 16



bahaha...all the things she said, all the things she said, runnin' through my head...


and this is my baby, Ziggy

so my AIM started screwing up after i went to get a bowl of cereal. Sorry to those i was talkin' to...
We will chat again soon/
:D

someone come play with me.
i wanna talk.
aim= birthdaypixie