Daisy's journals

Perhaps the trouble isn't falling in love or finding a partner or getting laid... I submit to you that the real trouble in finding that twin flame or soul mate is having the strength to be totally yourself in every situation so that when the person who falls in love with you comes around, it is a person who falls in love with the true you.

I think problems arise and relationships don't last because socially we're always on our best and coolest behavior. When you meet someone and fall in love, it's not really you they're falling in love with, simply your social mask.

And I think it gets tiring, having to put up a mask all the time, and so when you finally let it down, the other person is confused... like... you hear this all the time, "Where is the dashingly handsome man I first fell in love with?" "Where is the vivacious and crazy young woman I met 10 years ago?"

I don't know, it's just a thought.

Maybe because I haven't been single like this in my whole life. I mean I was single once, but I was a young teenager starting high school. The dating scene practically doesn't start until you leave high school or are able to go to a bar. And the dating scene is soooooo much different then in America. Guys here actually LIKE girls and so you can NEVER tell when they are being nice or they want to have sex with you too. They're just nice. Like I could be totally unattractive and they would still be nice to me. But in America if you're not attractive, most guys don't care who you are unless you stir something in their penis at least a little bit.

And it's not just guys that act like this, everyone does. Women are DEFINITELY not exempt from the above statement.

AND I was overweight.

So now I'm single and attractive. I like who I am, and I'm doing what I love and I love sharing my thoughts with people, so socially I'm definitely an extrovert and a natural. But then you meet a guy or girl you are attracted to you...your ego instantly becomes mind identified and you start retracting back into fear that they won't love you and so your ego tries to become someone love able when you were already love able in the first place.

You know? I start hiding little details like, "I smoke pot maybe a little too much." or "I'd like to fuck you silly." and I wonder what would happen if I was just unabashedly me, to the bone, and what I mean by that is whatever this ego is or whatever my inhibitions are... to just be free of it all and allow my ego to act this out... I have no idea, I'm still postulating this as I write, haha.

Anyway, life is still so romantic and still so beautiful. My roommates are mad! They are crazy and wonderful and so so so beautiful my heart hurts just thinking about it.

Every night there is something going on. Wednesday was a welcoming party for a girl from France and we had wine and cheese and spoke dirty french words like, "Tabernac!" I'm not sure if that's how you spell it, but oui, I'm learning french!

Thursday there was an asian potluck at my apartment and we played a French card game called Jungle Speed. I won! :o) I met this girl from Geneva, Switzerland and she was incredible! She was this very striking, sexy, and powerful. Her name was Lucy. She invited me to her going away party the next night.

Mind you, all the same people are at these parties, it's amazing.

So Friday we went to Lucy's and she made us this amazing pasta and FOUR CAKES. These cakes were incredible. She reminded me of the main character in Chocolat who feeds her friends sweets and gets them high on it. Everyone was moaning, it was so good.

I fall asleep on the couch with Damien and another girl and then get woken up at 4AM and walked into a taxi (and during the whole day it was hailing like crazy) and went home only to continue the party and then finally get some sleep for work the next day.

Work was good! I did an industrial that was cool. My boss let me take two $150 glass dildos for some awesome DIY's. That's going to be fun and I can't wait, haha. And I'm doing a photo shoot with a white bong with black  skulls and matching panties that are black with white skulls that we're submitting to High Times Magazine to enter a contest :o).

Ok, so I'm exploring my sexuality. Stephane thinks that I left them because I was just another girl who didn't feel sexy enough. The truth of the matter is I DO want to explore my sexuality, I just didn't want to explore my sexuality with them.

In pursuit of this new adventure and lesson, I am also applying to BurningAngel.com to shoot videos in addition to photos. I did pick up some really "cool moves" (lol@bigsend) from Ghita and I sincerely thank Stephane and Ghita for the help they gave me in this. It's an INVALUABLE lesson for every woman to learn how to really please someone in bed.

I love being able to look at an attractive man and think, "I could give you the best blow job of your life." It all comes down to being useful, right? haha.

I'll let you know how that goes and when you can see the videos ;).

Until next time,
Daisy

I'll be posting a lot here: godsgirldaisy.blogspot.com :).

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So here's where I can write all my detailed secrets?

The past few days have been great. My plans change everyday and I'm learning more and more to live in the now and communicate that to people. Like I'm meeting so many people and it's really hard for me to keep plans right now because now I'm the kind of asshole that always does what she wants, so if that means plans need to be broken, then I break them.

That's kind of shitty, huh?

And then on top of that I never call until the last minute because I'm too scared that the person is going to be mad, guilt trip me, vamp me, get hurt, etc.

Whew, that was a good does of brutal honesty.

I'm no longer really staying at Sam's. As much as I like her, she's proving to be a little possessive and controlling as well. And I'm learning faster and faster how to put myself in situations where I am not being controlled. I went with her to get her tattoo and met J.F. I ended up going over there and hung out with him and his girlfriend and took e.

We had a lot of fun and I ended up meeting some of his friends. I've stayed there for a total of three nights, and stayed with one of their friends Timmy who is quite amazing, might I add.

We had a bitcher of beer and made out and other fun things.

Last night was awesome. J.F., his friend Simone Penis (he only thinks with his dick and this is not an overstatement!), and I went and had llegar and played pool. I went to another bar and had llegar bombs. It's so nice to be 19 and able to go to a bar!

Now I'm here at the tattoo shop and it's my day for errands. Morice, a guys couch I slept on has a bag of my clothes including my passport, Sam has my razor, toothbrush, laptop, some clothes, and I have some stuff at J.F.'s and I need to gather all my stuff.

I also need to buy another phone card, and I will probably get tattooed today as well.

GOOD NEWS! Turns out J.F. is leaving for Sweden in 9 days, and he is going to let me stay at his house just outside of Montreal for THREE MONTHS, free of rent. I'm going to hang out with his girlfriend and the baby until they leave and then I'll have the house to myself.

Party, anyone?

Everyone here has been soooo hospitable. I haven't spent a dime in 4 days and I've been supplied with some clothes, a warm place to sleep, good food, and beer, pot, e, etc.

That's about it! I'm sure I'll have much more in a few days. I love you guys and you are just starting to see who I really am. I'm not the circle-obsessing asshole I was before.

 

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I've had a bout of insomnia lately.

It's really cold here. Today it was -23! A shocker for someone born and raised in southern california.

I had a good month of partying. A constant stream of people flowing through my house, alcohol, drugs, you name it.

This month is a month of sobriety and spirituality.

I'm loving it here with Stephane and Ghita, unfortunately our girlfriend is stuck in Poland and not able to get a visa. But we've hired a lawyer and we're working on it.

I've never felt so free in my entire life. I have it really good.... an amazing loft to live in, an endless stream of money, amazing friends who live in compassion, non-judgment, and unconditional love.

I'm fortunate enough to have a life where everyday I get to do exactly what I want to do. I literally wake up and think to myself, "Hmmm, what would I like to do today? Paint? Yes!" And then I go ride the metro to the art supply store and buy art supplies and paint all day.

It's like I'm living a life of non-duality.... no pain, if you can believe it.

I love walking in the snow! It's like taking a cold shower, it's so exhilarating! And I love sitting in the coffee shops with big windows and watching all the people walk by.

Some random updates in bullet points:

- I got my tongue pierced
- I tried ecstasy
- I've been reading books by Dr. David Hawkins
- I'm taking Ballet and Ballet Jazz twice a week and going swing dancing once a week

And all the foods I've tried since I've been here in crazy Montreal french town:

- Rabbit
- Duck
- Veil cheek
- Poutin (fries, gravy, and weird cheese)
- Pistachio and Chocolate Creme Brulee
- Blood Pudding (GROSS!!!)

Anyway, I'm back on here and I'll be updating regularly now :). It's good to be back.

So I'm here in Montreal. We just finished our second IG MTL meet-up. This night we actually recorded and ended on the earlier side, where as last night was filled with LOTS of wine, pot, and other such debauchery.

So I slept all day, I've needed it! And now I'm filled to the brim with energy even though it's already 2:30AM.

I'm in a coffee shop called Cafe Depot, open 24hrs with amazing Egyptian cake and Mochas. It's busy... lots of cars, people on the street.. I assume it's because it's a Saturday night.

I'm in love with Montreal. Especially the part that we live in.

This sounds so cheesy, but my life literally feels like a Romance Movie. Well, maybe a Romance movie with a dash of hardcore porn ;).

Everyone speaks french, and I like it that way. I can't understand what anyone is saying so it's not like my brain can automatically eavesdrop... I just listen to the way they speak, the sounds, but there are no words that I'm hearing, just noise... good noise.

I'm going on nothing but energy, on what they're feeling. And isn't that a beautiful part of communication? Instead of hearing, "I had a wonderful day!" I feel their wonderful day.

Life here is exciting. The snow is beautiful and I love taking walks in the cold. It refreshes me and makes me feel alive and invigorated.

Stephane and Ghita's place (and now Greta and mine) is amazing. It feels like home to me. The kitchen feels like a place I can cook in, the living room feels like a place I can read in, or fall asleep late watching movies in. The bathroom feels like the perfect place for a bath, and the bedroom is the perfect place for all bedroom stuff ;) :).

I can see now that Greta is perfect in the circle. Not having her here with us has made me realize just how much I love and miss her. The e-mails she sends me warms my heart... it's almost like I've been given a chance to really fall in love with her, like I did with Steph and Ghita, and boy is she so wonderful and perfectly beautiful.

Stephane and Ghita have the most beautiful hearts. I love them more then they'll ever know.

I've always dreamed of a life like this for me. Sitting in a cafe at 3:00 in the morning, in a different country, where everyone speaks a language uncodable to me.

And I feel so good and so beautiful here by myself. Truly interdependent, like I could do anything I set my mind to. Like I can love myself enough to never require something from another person. I'm learning to let go of neediness, and I'm learning to validate myself or observe my yearning for validation. I'm learning to fill myself up with love, with source energy, not requiring it from anyone but myself because everyone is me and I am everyone.

I know now why I'm here in this circle as the "third girl" when I always thought of myself as a "primary". While Stephane loves all of us, it is more of our unique qualities that set us apart. So there are unique qualities that Stephane loves about Ghita and Greta that I do not possess.

But it's not trying to be Ghita and Greta that will help me be the best girlfriend I can be, it's being the best self that I can be. It's not about "Ghita" or "Greta" or "Amy Jo" or even "Stephane" at this point. It's about human consciousness.

When ever we compliment each other, Stephanes jokes, "It's not me you love, it's human consciousness." and we laugh and know it's true. But I know it now more then ever.

And for some reason, I don't think I could have learned to accept myself on such a level if I were a primary. I can't explain why, I think maybe it's because I would feel too safe if I were the primary... fuck, I don't know how to explain it, but the seed's been planted.

We are all just parts of the whole, and while that may hurt the ego, if we ever want to make things better, we must be the very best part that we can be. Whether that be the best angry person, or the best dishwasher, or the best Priest, or the best Buddha.

We're all in this together.

And then I wonder to myself, is everything so beautiful to me because it's different? Do I have the ability to look at things in San Diego, or Los Angeles with the same admiration?

I'm in love with Montreal, maybe too in love.

This life, this place, and these people (Steph, Ghita, Greta, my mom, Sie, David, JR, JS, Richard... and friends made along the way) are inspiring to me. Soul Family.

I'm so impressed with my higher self... you know... like the soul that's in my body picked out this amazing life for myself. I could die, and lose my body, but god damn how I love this life.

I'm only 19, and I'm living. I know so many people who have waited their whole lives to actually live. You know? The people who wait until they have more resoures... more love, more money, more fame, more stuff...

But I am so fortunate to have learned at such an early age, what trusting the universe is all about, and what loving yourself is all about.

This is what it's all about. It's about playing with energy, playing with what works, what doesn't, being in a hurtful manipulative controlling relationship for a long while, and then jumping into a relationship filled with truth and love and communication and playfulness. It's about being here to be the best you can be, to fulfill the human potential in you, to reach the highest level of consciousness capable for your soul, in order to better and learn for the whole of human consciousness.

And I just breaked for a cigarette outside and I slipped and fell on the ice in front of a group of people, and jesus... it was so funny. They were all laughing, asking if I was OK in french... and I looked at them confused, embarressed and amused to all hell.

People look at me differently now. It's almost like people recognize the spirit it me, the source in me... they don't see my body, my physical body, they see the light inside.

And I'm sure that people also see my physical body... I'm sure it's a beautiful site to see any person with such light, I bet it actually makes one more physically attractive.

I feel feminine and vulnerable, yet powerful and strong.

Let me close with one of my favorite quotes from one of my very favorite authors, Jack Kerouac:

"“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...”

To start, here are pictures of me, my boyfriend Stephane, and my two bisexual girlfriends Ghita, and Greta taken at a recording:







My life has been a roller coaster. I really took a leap into the unknown after breaking up with Brandon.

I left his house with a suitcase and a carry-on of my belongings, left all my memories, most of my books, movies, etc. It was raining and I went to find internet on a street corner in Santa Monica to await directions from Stephane, who offered me a place in their lives.

I've secretly been in love with Stephane and Ghita for a year now. The love was sealed when they flew to LA in the summer to help Brandon and I with our first interdependent circle.

Since then I've been sleeping on couches, hanging out in internet cafes, and generally having the time of my life.

The plan was to fly to Montreal and stay with Stephane and Ghita. Stephane was ironically flying to Los Angeles to train a client a few days after I was suppose to arrive.

I couldn't board the plane without a passport, so Stephane brought Ghita with him and I waited for them to arrive in Los Angeles. Greta, a girl from Poland, was also flying in the day after to be in the circle.

So here I am, homeless, waiting to see Ghita and Stephane, and then meet Greta who I'd never even talked to before. It was like an arranged marriage!! But fuck, I was excited, so who gives a damn.

Greta can't go to Canada because of Visa issues, so Stephane and Ghita decided to move here instead. We spent the last five days searching for 3-4 bedroom houses allll day...but no luck.

The universe clearly doesn't want us in LA right now, so I am STILL moving to Montreal.

Other then that, the days have been long and crazy. It's impossible to think about the future or the past, because I have to live so presently. I never know what's going to happen the next day, where my life is going to turn... I'm really living in the NOW moment.

We've been recording a documentary. Me meeting Stephane and Ghita at the airport, me meeting Greta for the first time.... these people are my family now. It's absolutely AMAZING.

By the way, we are having a Circle QnA seminar in Montreal if anyone is interested in attending.

Either way, I am now living in a BEAUTIFUL/HUGE loft in Montreal, and would love to have any and all Gods Girls over for shooting, parties, shooting pool, drinking, fun, etc.

I'm still an active member, though I know I've been distant for the past two weeks, it's just my life is totally unpredictable right now. I move on Tuesday, 4th.

And soon after I'll be settled in my new home and new car... Stephane is buying me a lexus (woo hoo!!!).

Anyway, I'm having the time of my life. This is such an adventure. And I've never been so capable of love ever. I can love so completely and so freely now, I'm literally a bird with new wings.

And Annaliese - I'm sending your I.D. Please understand that my life is sooo crazy right now, and I'm really doing the best I can for everyone, including getting you your I.D. back. Now we're even for the shitty Halloween I had Angel Smile , haha. *hug* Everything is cool. Please be patient with me on this. My life is literally insanity right now.

I hope every single girl on here is doing well and I miss you guys.

All my love,
Daisy

Because my girlfriend Greta cannot get a visa to Montreal, Canada though she could get a 6 month visa to LA... Stephane and Ghita are moving here to LA.

We are searching for apt. in Manhattan Beach tomorrow.

These past weeks have been both super amazing, incredible, mind-blowing... you name it, they have always been super tiring, haha. So until I can give you something more comprehensive, here is a picture of all my lovers during a private seminar/recording we held (Greta, Stephane, and then Ghita and I):

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