I accidentally abandoned my phone outside the taco truck on 23rd and International yesterday. I don't think I will replace it this time. Today I think I will go to that swell beach that is impossible to find without a long drive through country roads with no sigs and a few hard to distinguish natural landmarks, a sizeable and very muddy hike through the right deer paths, past all the fallen radio towers and then a rope climb down a steep ravine with water rushing through it. But it is worth it in every way. In the years since I found the place (courtesy of vague directions from an old friends aging hippy mother) I have seen less than a total of ten other people at the beach, inlcuding those who have come with me. And the strangers include a handful of local surfer kids, a naked guy and an old man playing violin on the bluff above. Especially with the heavy rains this year and the continued erosion of the ravine and increased water flow, this year has been more delightfully lonely than ever. The beach itself is actually kind of rocky and narrow, and the water is too cold (and for pussies like me too shark infested) and the undertow and riptides too strong to swim (I almost drowned there when I was sixteen) but it is perfect for hanging out alone with my dog, reading naked and drinking filthy-cheap champagne.


Yesterday outside the aforementioned taco truck my friend started to regale me with juicy gossip of people I used to poke and all I can think about is how nice it will be, how rabidly I am anticipating the relocation to a rural town in a different state where I don't know a soul aside from gus and my dude. Where it is cheap enough that I can live alone and have a yard for the Gussers, and safe enough that I can put in a puppy door for him and the only intruders I will have to worry about are skunks, raccoons and the occaisonal feral cat. There will be countless miles of woods for Gus and I to roam without worrying about douchebags dishing out offleash tickets.


I don't know why peopIe move here. I guess for friends, for music, for politics, for lots of things. I used to kind of like the glittery, gritty urban beauty of it all. But now Oakland on a gorgeous day just looks like the a mistake. I want to be able to step outside my doorway barefoot without worrying about discarded medical waste, and I want to be able to walk to the taqueria without getting the wallet flash and I don't want to hear pimps chastising their hookers outside my window when I'm trying to go to sleep. I know its crazy cheesy but Jawbreaker has a song about Oakland I have to quote at the end of this because is too fucking true. Even in the few years since I have moved here things are different. There is even more racial tension. Yuppies who can't afford the rent that skyrocked and never dropped after the dot com era in San Francisco are building fancy lofts in shitty neighborhoods, talking about the great 'raw spaces' and hip renovated factories turned apartments. They are pushing out the people who have lived here for decades. I have seen the rent rise in these last few years. Everyone in this neighborhood used to just ignore the silly looking drunk kids with funny haircuts and slowly I've seen that indifference fade away to make way for anger and hostility.


I grew up in the greater bay area my whole life, with the exception of a few years here and there in New York, Massachusettes, Vermont and I am so sick of seeing the same people on the bus for years and never speaking. Of the same bums aggressively accosting me for change outside of 7-11. Four years ago, when I first moved to this city (and the city part is just costuming, it really is an incestuously small town), I got startled and emptied my pockets in sympathy but not anymore. They are so rude and demanding. No pleases or thank yous. I kind of like manners and grace. I used to have so much compassion for people, for struggle and hardship. But not anymore. Oakland ruined me. But I sure will miss those tasty burritos.


Read and I felt so small.
Some words keep speaking
When you close the book.
Drank and just about smiled.
Then I remembered us in that bed.
Put my ear to the door.
I just heard hot rods
and gunshots and sirens.
People kill me these days.
There's keys in their eyes
But they lock from the inside
-Jawbreaker