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i have been ever so lame lately. not just on here, but in life.  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! Over the last month or so I dropped into a mega depress-asaurus rex mood. Like, really. I t was actually quite horrible. I hated everything, everyone. didn’t want to get out bed. Like REALLY didn’t want to. Kind of hoping I wouldn’t wake up in the mornings. Then just laying around when I actually had days off. Hated my house cuz it was messy but I couldn’t even make myself clean it up. I’d cry all the time for no reason. I didn’t want to hang out with ANYONE. I wanted to move out of California like pronto…the list really goes on.
But I have been working really hard on getting myself out of this rut. I’ve been working with my friends and family and therapist. Everyone has been so understanding. I apologized to all my friends for being a huge depressive douche bag bitch. I just really couldn’t stop. It was horrible. So I’ve been moving onwards and upwards!
I still really want to move though. So Oregon, I will be in you in the next year. I can’t wait. Its beautiful there, my sister will be going to Lewis and Clark College up there, its still close enough to visit California if I feel that I want to, it’ll be a fresh start, new home, new people…I’m SO EXCITED! Even just focusing on that is making me cheer up.
I also apologize for not being on here hardly ever. I’ve been trying to keep up on the myspace page I have, still chatting with models, members and others. I just haven’t felt like I had anything to say in a journal or anything.
Although...I’ve realized…I’ve never been good with journals. In fact, I don’t even really like writing them. It has to do with something that happened when I was younger, and since then I’ve had no interest in writing down my thoughts, feelings, etc. I just feel weird doing it!! Anyone else feel that way? Maybe its just me. Maybe I’m stupid. BUT I still try on here…..my journals are probably crap. But its okay, cuz its as good as I’ll ever get at it I believe. I’m better at conversing with people. Or confiding in my best friends. Or reading and processing what’s going on in my life. It just seems to work better for me….
So since I feel that I’m getting back into my normal self and crawling out of the deep dark hole I put myself into, I’m going to try to be more active on here. And in life. I’ve started spending time with my friends again. I’ve started enjoying the outside more. I’ve started actually taking care of my house and responsibilities that I decided to let go of. I’ve started reading more too. Which I’m finding that I REALLY enjoy. Although its hard for me to get into books. They have to grab my attention within the first few pages or I can’t bring myself to read it. The book I am currently reading is called The Flock. IT’S AMAZING. Its an autobiography of a woman who has multiple personality disorder. This woman has 24 PERSONALITIES inside her. Its freakin crazy. But the book is just so awesome. I’m also going to buy the book Sybil, cuz it is referenced to in the book and it sounds so damn interesting. I never thought I’d be into these kinds of books, but I am. And even though they are quite hard to read at times, since it can get graphic and touch some dark spots for me, I find it easier to read about others ad how they dealt with it. Not that I’m a multiple, that’s not what I’m saying. But reading about what caused her to become that way..I can relate to some. I really thought it’d be hard for me to read. But its amazing and just sucks me in. I suggest you read The Flock. If you want an amazing, strong story…read it.
Anyways, so now I’m just rambling. See? Not so good at journaling…..
If anyone has book suggestions for me, please let me know. Or just suggestions in general. I am feeling very open to the words and thoughts of others.

Also, if you haven’t already, add my myspace and leave me love:
http://www.myspace.com/elbows_deep_son