Adreena's journals

Yay! i had a lot of fun :)
We did one set up in the loft and I froze my boobies off and scratched my legs up. Now Im feeling very achey and im walking like an old man, but it was worth it. Chris showed me some of the shots once he had uploaded them onto his computer and I must say i loveeee them <3 the loft set was easily my best one so far and i cant wait for them to go live and show off chris' camera genius.
Im one set short of the full quota though, so i know its gonna be a while and that makes me sad. I want to see them all done and up!
I feel very brave shooting in january with all my christmas weight. Seeing it was quite a shock- i need to diet. Ahh well.
Hopefully the wait wont be too long...

x x x x

Last night I went to the cinema to see the Kite Runner. I was kina worried cos its one of my favourite books an i was scared they woul rape it (no pun intended) but it was actually all in Farsi and subtitled, and very very true to the book, so very very worth seeing. I was pleased :)

Happy new year by the way!

I would tell you allll about the good time that i had but i have to dress and do some work before i meet Chris for lunch- and then this evenng im going for a meal/to a bar with some friends so mayybbee tommorow

(yeah, i know i bet your all hanging off the edge of your seats..)

x x x

I got a tripod for christmas. Lovely and thoughtful as it is, i blame my Dad.
He asks me if i wante a tripod and isaid it was a god idea, but i had no use for one, so best not.
But i got one anyway. That is so typical of him!
I really have no idea what to do with it.....

there is one thing. DIYs! Yay! Im rubbish at IYs cos I cant take pictures of myself... but now

ahahaha

there will be plenty

Thankyou Daddy, good job!

I have Peter Sarstedt stuck in my head o_0

I am going to Brum!
J-C left while I was at an Aubrey Beardsley exhibition, so i missed my lift, but i was so upset about it, my sister booked tickets to catch an early bus up first thing tomorrow morning. Ill be there in time for some shopping, to get some pretty things before drinking some champagne and eating some duck round at J-Cs new flat.
Then were gonna find some bars and hit some clubs =)

Happy New Year everyone, hope you all have a good time!!

I'll of course be posting a hung over message- next year :)

x x x

its one of those entries again. Ive been in all evening drinking wine, eating chocolate and watching sex and the city. Dangerous on soo many levels.

1. The wine makes me drunk. Wine-drunk makes me sad and emotional and scary and woman. This is coupled with scary emotional woman hardcore screamo from when i was a kid that just amplifies everything ten fold

2. I just ate an entire box of baileys chocolates entirely to myself. I am a beast! I have no self control. For the first time in ages, Im fat again and its all my fault. Im stuck in a rut i cant get out of. I am 'a bulimic who cant throw up'. I hate myself for binging so disgusting me and i hate myself for thinking the way i do, and for speaking so insensitively.

3. Im watching sex and the city. This not only makes me feel inadequate, but makes me hate men in a way Im not used to. I like men, as a general rule. I have nothing against them. Yet one series of this program (I get through a series in a night)  and I am drawn into this 'us against them' men as the enemy thing. That is not healthy.

And when I get like this, I stir up so many things. I stir up things from when i was 16 year sold. Why cant I let go?? Repression was working so well for me. I dont even know what to say because i don't really know what makes me feel the way i do so often at the moment and i dont know the curel I really really want the cure. I want to know if the way i feel is normal (Im sure its normal because Im sure Im totally fabulously mediocre) but i don't know how i feel.

I thin my New Years Eve plans just fell through. All I want to do is see some good friends, have a good night, and preferably get ratted. I want a good night out and i want to feel good without all the 'baggage'. I was going to hitch a ride to Birmingham with my twin sister and her boyfriend and meet Rachael there and we were eat some dunk, drink some champagne, hit some bars and see what happened. But now everyone in Birmingham has dropped out (it seems black plague is back) and Nat doesnt want to go all the way up there if nothing is on. I do! I love that city and its a fun place to be. London is immense, but its also very very expensive. What could I get into no New Years Eve?? And who the hell is around? I have no plans, and Im totally fucked. Its so typical. .What. Now.? sob.
I think the best thing to do is probably shut up.

Looonndddoooooonnnnn

<3

 

I just saw Catra and Stilleto's new set and it totally took my breath away.
Go look at it, its epic!
x

Im home!
Lucio picked me and Matt up from Cambridge- we got stuck in traffic and it took 5 hours which was a bit of a nightmare. Now Im just so happy to be back. I love London, and whenever i come back i realise how much ive missed it. Its the most beautiful city in the world! I was wandering through Hyde park the other day and arrghhh, its such a great place <3 <3

Its just like i expected. here I spent today curled up on my sofa listening to piano concertos, drinking port and eating literally allll day. In a money saving bid we dont seem to have lights on, so everything was lit up by the tree and the chinese lanterns and the indian wooden lamps only, so it all looked gorgeous. I cant wait to spend three or so weeks curled up on my sofa in the warmth :)

Today I made Cranberry and Orange Vodka! It was pretty fun to do. I poured it into a tinted red bottle with a vntage lid and it looks cute. On top of that it tastes absolutely gorgeous, I was very pleased with it. As if a wine bottle fullof vodka wasnt enough, i had some left over, so i scooped out all of the vodka sodden berries and poured it over ice cream. It was gooooooddd.

You people need to come live with me, good things happen.

is how i feel right now- about everything. Tonight is the christmas party, the end of work, everyone is going. It should be fun, and i should be excited but instead i feel despondent. More than fucking despondent, i feel miserable. Do i know why? No. Will it go away? probably not?
I wish i knew if the way i think is normal. I wish i knew how everyone else feels, and if im thinking normally. I wish i didnt feel at all. How do i manage to make myself such a mess?
Its probably just today, i dont know. But today everything clicked into place and i didnt like it. I didnt like any of it, nothing seems right but i dont now what wrong.
Im sick of the way i feel. Im sick of being so self critical and insecure. Im sick of never speaking to people because i think i should wait till im spoken to, to avoid them having to speak to me if they dont want to. Im sick of thinking people wont want to speak to me because im not worth looking at. Im sick of the things i think and feel and im sick of hating myself for hating myself
I cant wait to go home. But it doesnt seem much better there. i just want to be alone. Arggh what the hell is wrong with me??
Im sorry everyone, this is no fun. Im sorry for being so whingey. Im sorry i cant keep it all to myself and im sorry it wont go away, so im moaning at you.

I’m sorry for my drunken nonsensical ramblings last night, everything was a bit mad, and its not much better now. Things aren’t better, I knew they wouldn’t be. I had a filthy wine headache which kept me up to 5am and now I’m feeling pretty wiped out. Nothing is more depressing than drinking wine and listening to Morrissey in the early hours of the morning.
I ended up waking early and going into town, I didn’t want to face anyone. It was grey and pouring with rain and I got back soaking. The house has been deadly quiet all day, and I sat in my room worrying about things and working, trying to avoid everyone and at the same time wishing that someone would come to me and just end all this stupidness.

In the evening Rowan appeared and It just seemed to get worse. Apparently he tried to speak with Rachael today and she rejected him. He decided to tell her why I was offended and about why I was so upset because of Matt. This really fucked me off because
a) I don’t believe in bitching or making a scene- I didn’t want Rachael to know she had offended me
b) What happened between me and Matt happened exclusively between me and Matt, it wasn’t her business at all, and I didn’t want her knowing

On top of this, her friend Helen decided I was giving her ‘looks’ and that she hates me. Oh for crying out loud! I am not a bitchy person, I hate confrontation more than anything. I do not have time for bitchyness and dirty looks, its just not something I have time for, and certainly nothing Id ever do! The girl is mad. To be honest, I hardly saw her last night and I was far too drunk to even take her in. I can’t think what reason I would have had for giving her ‘looks’.
Anyway, because of this Helen decided to uninvited me to the party, and got pissed off when I didn’t want to come

Im so sick of being misrepresented! I couldn’t care less about the party- all I cared about was Rowan, and making sure he was happy!

Worst of all though, was Matt. I remember just before I fell asleep, he asked me if he had really made me cry. I said ‘90% yes’ and fell asleep. I think I really upset him. Apparently he went into self destruct and drank pretty much everything in the house, and got absolutely paralytic. He was upset about making me cry and upset that I was blaming him. He wanted to come and talk to me, but Rowan stopped him. I really wish he hadn’t. I was also sitting up, in the next room feeling bad about hurting him. He left in the early hours, and I haven’t heard from him since.

I feel so guilty- I didn’t mean to make Matt feel bad, and obviously he took it a lot more seriously than he should have. He seems so cut up. I sent him a text saying

‘Sorry if I was mean to you last night, I was being irrational. I hope youre okay x x’

I hoped it would clear things up and we could go back to normal, but I havnt heard from him since. Now Im feeling hurt again, wandering why hes ignoring my peace gesture. What more can I do? How hard can it be to text back?

Arrgghhhhhh.
Anyway, now im sitting in my room, scared to move in case someone from next door who hates me sees me, with no one to talk to, feeling really misunderstood. I have Rowan, the cause of everything, sleeping peacefully on my bed, snoring. This has been the worst weekend ever. I really need a drink 