Abi's journals

Seventeen exerpts from the "28 Commandments For Foreigners Visiting The Russian Capital For The First Time," as published in Moscow's weekly, неделя [Nedelya].


1. Do not buy liquor at kiosks on the street.
2. Do not buy more than two or three items in large stores or department stores. Everything else you should buy in the smaller stores - the quality will be the same and the prices will be much lower.
3. Avoid gypsies, do not give money to beggars in the subway, or in train stations, do not participate in any lotteries or street games (such as cockroach races, etc.). You will very quickly find yourself with empty pockets.
4. Learn to read the subway map. It is simple.
5. Trust no one. Never get into conversations with people you don't know. Try to avoid talking with Muscovites.
6. Pay attention, be efficient, nervy, and rude. Don't let anything surprise you. Try not to look like a person of means. Walk quickly and don't get in people's way.
7. Eat ice cream. It is the best thing Moscow has to offer.
8. Do not change hard currency on the street with anyone.
9. Visit Red Square, McDonald's, take a stroll on the Arbat, stop by the Tretyakov Gallery and a nightclub with live music and go roller-skating in Gorky Park. And visit at least one beer hall.
10. Don't be afraid of the Muscovites; they are weird but not dangerous.
11. Don't take taxis, it is more expensive than hitching a ride for money with a private driver (in Russia almost everyone who has a car operates on the side as an informal car service).
12. Don't shop at the farmers' markets, and if you do go to one, hang on to your wallet, watch your pockets, and leave as soon as you can.
13. Write down the address and telephone number of the places where you are staying, and keep them with you at all times.
14. Keep in mind that the subway does not run at night.
15. Come here to live.
16. Get out of here. We're sick of you.
17. Leave as soon as you can; if you stay too long, you'll get used to Moscow and then you'll be miserable when you go home because you'll miss it so much.

Is there a way to copyright lifting your shirt and going "WHOOOO!"

I think that would be a good investment for me.

In lament for the new Sims 2 expantion game being a day late in getting to Walmart, I decided to drown my sorrows in a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and a Milky Way bar, which actually now does have "More caramel in every bite!" like the wrapper says.

I read this every so often and wonder exactly how it makes me appear to people who've never met me. http://www.godsgirls.com/members/nopotnewguy/journal/140655/ Ambiguity is scary.

Also, my back hurts. Actually my whole torso really. Maybe its the Fritos. Theres some shampoo sitting next to me, it smells nice. I ate some cold chicken earlier. My fingernails hurt, is that odd?

Is it odd that when complimented, I usually respond with a sarcastic comment or even a derisive laugh? Lets recount my chromasomes, shall we?

All the while you know what I'm NOT doing that is terribley interesting? (allusion to a journal or two ago. choose wisely, class)

Love,

Sarcastic, Cynical Bitch

Abi with beautiful professional hair extensions:

Today, I am late to work because of this:

HUZZAH

Favorite brother-n-I talk of the day: "How you do have an alarm on a port door?" "...little singing birds?" "My hummingbird alarms didn't go off, what the hell!?"

Also, because it is obviously the most amazing thing you'll ever hear about in your life: I TOTALLY DID NOT SHOOT A DIY TODAY YOU WANNA HEAR ABOUT IT!? IT WAS AMAZING AND INTERESTING.

I am more than convinced it is time to build a rope system complete with pulleys and wookies throughout the trees in my backyard.

There will be crude tikitorches.

Also, advice for the day: Your head does not need to fit in the leg of your pants for them to be fashionable. Stop varying this rule when trends change.

At select casino buffets, the shrimp-on-a-stick tastes like panties.

Just sayin'.

The bomb shelter doesn't work without a canopener. Make sure you have one.

So I can't see the forums. I go to them, and it tells me I'm not logged in, when I CLEARLY AM AND IT SAYS SO AT THE TOP. So I go to log in again with the link it gives me, and it takes me to my control panel thing. Fuckin douchebaggery.