GodsGirls.com : Unicorns. Bitch.

I love NoPotNewGuy because he drives me to get cheese fries on a whim at midnight. I also love him because he critiques my outfits without being promted, gives me directions when I call at 3 am because I'm lost in the ghetto, sends emails to Boss Lady about my vomitting in her house, gives me old Volcom shirts, tries to hook me up with bitches in different area codes, describes my mother with the words "pleased as punch", sabotages the squirrel traps on the porch so I don't cry, force feeds me bagels and gatorade when I start spazzing on people's couches because of my blood sugar, and lets me drag him places like we're an old married couple.

I hate him because he locks the windows when he farts in the car, kicks me in the ass when he walks behind me, tickles me until I try to bite skin off his arm and permanently scratch his hand, disagrees with me on Yankee Candle scents, discourages my eating of beef jerkey, hates Guinness, shoves his hackysac in my face yelling 'smell my sack!', glares at me when I try to watch trashy reality tv, and refuses to listen to Duran Duran.

There. And I wonder why more people don't think we're dating....